Floor 13: Hero
by Tyler Bateman Esq
Summary: Contains strong language and themes. Based on Floor 13 by Lauren Scavenger
1. Just

Floor 13: Hero 

**The Unofficial Sequel**

****

Being Book 1 in the life of Judas Rimmer

****

**Tyler P. Bateman Esq.**

Introduction 

A couple of millennia ago (maybe), a writer by the name of Princess Lauren E. Scavenger wrote a fanfic of epic proportions. Its name was '_Floor 13: An Impossible View_' and its fan base was '_Red Dwarf_'. The story was started by the simple premise, what if Lister and Rimmer turned in jail? The result? They fucked. A lot. 

Okay, that's a really brief and somewhat inaccurate summary of the work, but if you haven't read Floor 13 or the just finished 'official' sequel then I don't want to ruin it for you. So, you can find them at these good websites:

**  (Where you can find a wicked spin off story of my spin off story)**

****

Now, you maybe asking why this is an 'unofficial' sequel. If not, fuck off. If you are then the reason is simple. I'm not Lauren Scavenger. That's it really. Nothing to mysterious about that. There is the sub plot that I got drunk one night and thought I could write a short story based in Scavenger's universe, but that's inconsequential now.

Anyway, this picks up a couple of months or so after the original and, if I am to be honest with myself, is one of my better pieces of work. To summarise this, I can only say, it's a fanfic based on a fanfic of a British TV show, which contains some characters which are not even affiliated with myself, Scavenger or Grant Naylor and looks at the question of whether we are responsible for our actions or whether we are merely following fate.

Special thanks to Scavenger for allowing me to do this.

Enjoy!

Tyler P. Bateman Esq.

PS  Everything belongs to it's respective copyrights. I'll do a more detailed list in the last chapter.

PPS And who's this Judas guy I just mentioned? Keep reading.****

****

_Ext. A Quick Stop Convenience Store. Day._

It's a peaceful day. Not a cloud in the sky. The only disturbance is by two stoners stood outside RST Video. Well, one, a tall guy, is being loud. The other, a rather plump man known as Silent Bob, is smoking. The tall one known as Jay stops ranting when he sees we are looking at him.

Jay: S'up! Me and my metric tonne amigo here got axed by that Bateman fuck to introduce his piece of work. I didn't wanna do it coz that guy is pretty fucked up. The first time we meet him, he's all like 'ya wanna chocolate pretzel?' and I'm thinking he wants me to take one in the brown eye. So, I'm like 'fuck you fag'. Turns out he actually meant the sweetest of God's dough products. Anyhows, then he's all like 'I work for RDSS'. The thing sounds like a fucking sports channel, but he's all like how him and a bunch of chicks write stories and shit. (_To Bob_)  If I was in that group, I'd be like, 'wassup bitches! Youse fancy writing on this' and then I'd like whip out the ole permed worm. And they'd be like, 'check the size of that' and I'd be like...

Bob hits in the arm and Jay continues to talk to the camera.

Jay: Huh? Fuck. Yeah, so he's like all about how he writes this shit called slash. The mutherfucker actually writes about gay guys being gay. That's so fucking gay! Not only that, but he's like writing about this sci fi programme from that country, Great England or some such place. He's looking at me as if I've heard of it. I'm like, 'Little man, if it don't have Chuck Norris in it, I don't wanna know'. Personally, I'm thinking, if youse are gonna write about sci fi people getting it on, you should think of a way of getting that Tomb Raider piece of ass to get all lesbo with Sixty of Nine or whatever the fuck she's called in Star Trek. (_To Bob_) Have you seen her? Man, I'd fucking assimilate her faster then Walt Flanagan's dog. Bung! (_Back to the camera_) So, to cut a long story short, he axed us again if we'd introduce it and we said yeah. Personally, I was worried the dude was gonna like suck our dicks if we didn't. Though my tubby bitch here would probably relish the idea. Snoogans. Anyway, this is the fucking story. Enjoy it.

Bob hands him a piece of paper.

Jay: What? Oh yeah. This Bateman guy also wanted to make a dedication. (_Reading the paper_) Dedicated to Lauren Scavenger, I hope I've done you justice. Also shout outs to the rest of you. (_To Bob_) What a fucking repressed homo. You don't dedicate a story to a chick unless you're gonna get some action. He should really dedicate it to Judd Nelson. Fuck yeah! Come on Silent Bob, time to take a trip to the mall.

And with that they leave.

****

**Chapter 1: Just**

"_Now that I've met you,_

_ Would you object to,_

_ never seeing each other again_." 

**Deathly **- Aimee Mann

"Can I sit down?" 

Rimmer dragged himself from his stupor to face his guest. Rather then answer him, he turned his attention back to the floor and grunted. 

"Thanks old man." said the Guest and took his position next to Rimmer,

"Look, don't bother with the voice. It doesn't impress me." Rimmer snorted, "Get rid of that ridiculous hair as well."

The Guest sighed and ran his left hand through his long golden locks and gave a sharp tug. The whole hairpiece came off in his hand and was replaced by a patch of matted, curly, brown hair. Rimmer stared with contempt at his twin.

"You don't like me, do you Rimmer?" the Guest asked,

"As sure as eggs are eggs, Ace." Rimmer snorted,

-//-

A few days previously the crew of the ship to surface vessel, Star Bug, were celebrating a successful scavenging. They had not only raided to ghost ships, but they also stumbled across the MIR satellite, which, somewhere in the past three million years had been converted into a trendy wine bar. It was desolate now, but they were still able to find a large supply of vacuum-packed liquor.

They then spent the evening making several toasts of honour. One to Kill Crazy, their lost, but not forgotten shipmate. One to each respective couple on board. One to Kryten, who was feeling left out and one to Hollister, the fat bastard captain who had made their lives a living hell on board the Red Dwarf. After much drinking and gorging the three couples took themselves to bed while Kryten tidied away. There was not a single glitch in his RAM that said that the humans were sleeping.

"More likely they are using their bits and pieces for sexual gratification" he mumbled, "Humans, pershaw!"

If Kryten had stopped mumbling to himself for more then one second, he may have noticed the strange blip on the naviscreen. A blip that had only occurred two times before. A dimension hole was opening and as usual the space ripple cause by it was going to hit Starbug.

When it did hit, Rimmer was just about to cum. As he felt the euphoria run through his body and heard the panting of Lister that suggested he was about to do the same, Starbug began to rock from side to side. When it had subsided, Rimmer pulled out and with out missing a beat, pulled the condom off his penis and began to search for his uniform.

"Well, that's never happened before!" he exclaimed pulling his shirt from under a desk,

Lister sat himself on their bed and wiped down his brow with a tissue. Then, he, too, began to look for his clothes.

"I don't think that was you Einstein." he smiled, 

"That's right, Listy, steal all my thunder why don't you? Just remember that's the best sex you ever had."

Lister threw on a pair of shorts and a T-shirt while Rimmer fiddled with his now found uniform.

"Look, I'll meet you down at the cockpit," Lister said, "Though by the time you get dressed, it could all be over."

"Listy, you never know who this could be." Rimmer smiled, "This could be it! Aliens!"

Despite Lister's conversations with Rimmer, he couldn't convince his partner that they were alone in the universe. There was nothing they could come across that wouldn't have something to do with a gargantuan cock up by mankind. Gelfs, Simulants, Norman Wisdom droids, they were all fuck ups of mankind that were now being subjected to the vast emptiness of space. Still, this Rimmer hadn't had five or six years in space to quench his hopes. So, you had to love his enthusiasm. Lister grinned and planted a kiss on Rimmer's forehead. 

"Maybe, Rimmer, maybe."

-//-

When Lister arrived at the cockpit, he found that everyone was already there. Shayne and Kochanski looked a bit disheveled, but Lister could have put that down to the turbulence before. The Cat, however, had a cut lip and JayVee was sporting a raw knuckle. A touch of foreplay interrupted, maybe?

"The craft is hailing us." Kryten said, "Should we reply?"

"Punch it up." Shayne said,

Kryten pressed a few buttons and the main visi-screen lit up. Shayne, JayVee and Kochanski gave a gasp, but the boyz simply smiled. He was back.

"Hello Skipper, Cat, Krytie. Permission to come on board."

"Permission granted, man." said Lister

The coiffered man smiled and logged off.

"What the fuck?" exclaimed Shayne

"Who was that?" asked JayVee,

"It looked like..." Kochanski mumbled,

"It's Ace. He's back!" cried Lister,

And deep inside, Lister hoped that it was _his_ Ace. The Ace that had left after Rimmer's funeral.

-//-

Well, this is a bit weird, thought Ace, I'm sure this is the right place.

He expected that if he got the wrong dimension, then there would be a few changes, but as he made his way onto the landing bay floor he wasn't expecting to see Kochanski and two other females. The only familiar sight was his old shipmates. His eyes sparkled under his mirrored shades at the thought of spending some time with them. It had taken him a long time to master the Dimension Jump drive, but he had made a promise to himself that when he did he would visit his Lister again.

Lister grabbed Ace's hand and shook it vigorously,

"I hope I didn't damage your ship back then." Ace asked, "I managed to make sure my computer kept her mind on her calculations rather then my groin."

"No, man, everything's fine." Lister said, "Aw, it's good to have you back."

"It's good to be back, Skipper." Ace said giving Lister a sly wink, "So, tell me, what've I missed."

At that point Rimmer came bounding in. His forehead was glistening with sweat as he had run all the way from the bedroom to the cockpit and then down to the landing bay, when he realised no one was in the cockpit. In his exhaustion, he failed to give Ace a proper look and wrapped his arm around Lister's waist. Instinctively, Lister gave Rimmer a quick peck on the lips. Then, realising what he had done, he turned to face Ace. Stupid git! He was going to break his relationship with Rimmer to Ace later, but now it looked like it might be a bit too late. However, Ace didn't seem to flinch. He just scratched his nose and coughed.

"Sorry, Skipper." he said, "Appears I've got the wrong dimension. Must have got our lines crossed."

He let out a hearty laugh that died at the first sight of Lister's stern visage.

"Maybe not Sir." Kryten chipped in, "If it rings any bells, you may remember that out Rimmer was killed by a hologrammatic knight from a computer game. You attended his funeral before you left. This is a Rimmer that was resurrected by the Nanobots."

"It's true Ace." Lister said noticing Ace's confused look, "You've got the right place."

"Look, Ace isn't it?" Rimmer interrupted, "I'm sorry, but I'm getting the weirdest sensation that we've met before."

In a beat, Ace took off his shades and gave a full ceremonial Rimmer salute.

"Ace Rimmer, Space Adventurer. and you must be 1st Technician Arnold Judas Rimmer, you handsome sonuvabitch you."  

Rimmer's jaw hit the floor quicker then a concrete filled lead balloon and his grip tightened around Lister's waist. Shayne moved her eyes between the two Rimmers. She had been doing it for so long that she was beginning to resemble an overworked Action Man. Finally, she pushed her hand into her pocket and pulled out a cigarette.

"What. The. Fuck. Is. Goin'. On. 'Ere?" she slowly sad, lighting her cigarette,

"Come on." said Kochanski grabbing the cigarette out of Shayne's mouth and crushing it under her foot, "Let's got to the kitchen. Something tells me we're going to need a drink."

Rimmer was the first to leave, shaking his head and rubbing his eyes. He was followed in turn by Shayne and Kochanski, JayVee and the Cat, Kryten and then, Ace and Lister.

"After I'm done explaining, Listy." Ace said, now sounding somewhat like Rimmer, "You've got some explaining to do yourself."

-//-

In the kitchen, everyone grabbed himself or herself a drink and Kryten poured Ace a whiskey. Once the girls and Rimmer had settled down, the boyz began to recount the tale of Ace Rimmer and Dimension Jumping. Lister and Ace made sure to miss out the part where Ace was in fact one of many other Ace's who went from dimension to dimension helping people in trouble. As far as, Cat, Kryten, Rimmer and the girls were concerned, Ace had been present when Lister's Rimmer had died. When their story had finished, each of the girls wanted to ask questions. Shayne wanted to know how many people Ace had killed on his adventures. JayVee wanted to know if there were any female Rimmer's out there. 

"How did you find us?" Kochanski asked, "I mean, it seemed to me you were very precise."

Ace smiled and pulled out a watch from his pocket. He threw it over to Lister.

"Well, I didn't find you as soon as you think." Ace said, "Bumped into this relic and it told me all about you and what had happened. Didn't mention you and Rimmer were an item. That's why I was shocked before. We were about a year behind you and so, I used the Dimension Jump to catch up with you."

Lister fingered the black watch. It was like any other watch, except instead of a face, it had a small digital screen.

"Holly?" Lister asked,

The watch lit up and the bald headed computer stared right back at Lister.

"Gordon Bennett! He knows my name."

"Holly, what happened?"

"Well, after you lot made your escape, they cleared out your cells. Seeing as you left me behind, they chucked us out of the garbage chute. I've been floating with a pair of JayVee's knickers all year."

"Oh, Holly!" JayVee said looking over Lister's shoulder, "I'm sorry."

"No, don't be." Holly smiled, "I enjoyed the company. It's this bloke here who could do with apologising. Do you remember the last time I spoke to you? To tell you that there was going to be a cell inspection. After that, I hear nothing."

"Holly, man, I'm sorry." Lister pleaded,

"Well, I shouldn't be surprised." Holly said, now getting into the swing of milking Lister's pity, "It's easy to forget one of your bestest mates. What with the sex, the arguments, the blossoming of new and exciting relationships, the table tennis tournaments."

"Table tennis tournaments?" asked the Cat,

"Don't start changing the subject."

"Holly, we really are sorry." repeated Lister,

"About what?"

"About... wait. You don't remember do you?"

"Remember what?"

Ace laughed, "He's a bit battered. As I say, I had to pull him out of deep space."

"Pull who out?" Holly said looking around at everyone,

Lister handed the watch to Kryten, "Krytes, d'you think you could tap Holly into the mainframe?"

"Certainly, Mr Lister Sir." Kryten said making his way out of teh kitchen, thankful for a job that didn't involve talking about their times on Red Dwarf and Floor 13.

Through out the whole of this, Rimmer had remained quiet. He didn't know what to make of this Ace person. To be honest, he was a tad jealous of him. It was clear that he was better bread then Rimmer, whether he was held down a year at school or not. However, that wasn't the only thing, what was really bugging him was the way Lister was fawning over him. Lister had said that this was only the third time that Ace had visited, but Rimmer wanted to know what had happened on those first two occasions. They were just _too_ close for comfort. If Rimmer didn't know any better, he could swear Lister was in love with this Ace. Rimmer didn't mean to be suspicious, but he was a Rimmer and who better to mistrust another Rimmer.  


	2. Fake Plastic Trees

Floor 13: Hero

_Ext. Quick Stop and RST Video. Day_

_Yep, they're back! Jay and Silent Bob are stood in their usual places._

Jay: All I'm fucking saying is that Leia must have jumped on Luke's cue ball pal at least once.

_Bob shakes his head in disgust._

Jay: Don't fucking look at me like that, ya ball catcher! You and I both know that that princess is a slut! She was trying to play Solo and Luke off of each other. Y'know, work out who's got the bigger schlong.

_Randal, RST's reluctant clerk, walks past our duo on his way to Quick Stop. He stops to listen to Jay rant._

Randal: Look, why don't you guys go pedal your intoxicants else where before I tell the cops that Fred Durst and his Puddle of Mudd lead singer friend are stood outside my store offering to do a Monica Lewinsky on any ten year old who offers them a tootsie roll. Oh, and if you believe Luke busted a nut in Leia then you've more then explained how you ended up on this planet.

_Randal goes off laughing._

Jay: (_After Randal_) Tootsie roll this, ya cock smokin' clerk! 

_He gives Randal the finger. Bob tugs on Jay's jacket, grabbing his attention and pointing at us._

Jay: The fuck? Youse lot are back. The fuck were you thinking? You all acting like this muthafucka is a Charles Dickwins or some such shit.( _To Bob_) Silent Bob, I'm a gonna have to get me into this writing shit. Fucking pieces of ass just lining up to play with the man's quill.

_Once again, Silent Bob shakes his head in disgust and hands Jay a note._

Jay: What the fuck? He wants to dedicate another one of these chapters. Didn't he do that in the last one. Fuckin' ball bag merchant's pretending he's got friends and shit. I axe ya, what the fuck is the world coming to today? Okay, this, apparently, goes out to the RDSS and especially, Miss Kitty, who apparently enjoyed the last episode. (_Smiles and looks at Bob again_) Heh, you hear that Tons of Fun? Miss Kitty! Now does that not sound like a hookers name? The sonuvabitch has been holding out on us. The man knows how to get hookers. Come on Silent Bob! We're going to England.

_Fade to black:_

_Title Card: We would like to assure people that Miss Kitty is not a Hooker. She works in a bank and has only been paid for sex once.... maybe twice. Tyler, meanwhile, goes under the assumption of if it has a back bone he'll do it._

**Chapter 2: Fake Plastic Trees**

"_You're the only story that never been told_

_  You're my dirty little secret ,_

_  Wanna keep you so_" 

**This is Love** - PJ Harvey

Two hours later, after Rimmer had fallen asleep, Lister paid a visit to Ace, who was in his quarters, sat on his bed, smoking a cigarillo and reading.

"Didn't know you smoked." Lister smiled, lighting up himself and sitting at the table in the middle of the room,

"Only since I became Ace." Ace said, putting his book down, "All part of the image. Personally, I think they taste like a yak's scrotum."

Lister laughed, "And you would know?"

Ace made a flicking motion with his tongue. Lister laughed harder. When the laughter died down, they each sat in silence, unsure of what to say. Finally, Ace broke the silence.

"So, you and me, I mean, you and Rimmer are a couple?" he asked,

"Seems that way." Lister said staring intently at the burning tip of his cigarette,

"Well, I can't say it wasn't a shock. The nanobots recreating Red Dwarf and resurrecting the dead crew, fine. Meeting an alternative version of Kochanski who also appears to be gay, okey-dokey. Cat having a meaningful relationship, I'm just about getting there with that one. However, you and Rimmer? No."

"We were just as surprised as you are when it happened."

"When what happened? No, don't answer that."

Ace stood up and began to pace around the room.

"I mean, you Listy, are not the person they talk of around the dinner table when they mention being as bent as a nine bob note."

Lister smirked. Only the old Rimmer, his Rimmer, would make a reference to his sexuality with such an archaic phrase. Ace noticed his smile and stopped pacing.

"I'm sorry." He laughed, "I didn't mean to paint you as a screaming queen. It's just how do you get from where we were before I left to where you and him are now."

Lister put his feet up on the table and leaned back his chair, "What do you mean?"

"Well, for instance, you say this Rimmer acts exactly the same way I used to before the radiation leak. How could you fancy that? Not even females fancied that. Except that Scavenger woman."

"She had one eye, Rimmer."

"Exactly. Another point, how do I end up fancying you? No offence Listy, but Kryten has more chance with me then you do."

"I don't know, Rimmer. Maybe it was the situation... The need for comfort... All I know is that if Rimmer is taking precedence over Kochanski in my dreams then there's definitely something there."

"I suppose."

Ace turned away slightly from Lister. His friend had certainly changed. A lot. To be honest, he couldn't give a flying fat fuck if Lister was gay. Ace had known him long enough to stand by whatever decision he made, but he couldn't make sense of why Rimmer? Ace just couldn't trust him. Rimmer would never normally do this. What was in it for him? Ace didn't mean to be suspicious, but afterall, he was a Rimmer and who better to mistrust Rimmer.

"Well, I'm off to bed before he notices I'm gone." Lister said, "G'night."

"Goodnight, Listy."

"Good to have you back."

Lister put out his arms and Ace joined him in a hug. Lister found it strange that hugging Ace was a completely different experience from hugging Rimmer. What with them being more or less the same person. Suddenly, an evil grin crept across Lister's face. Whilst still hugging Ace, he planted a sly kiss on Ace's cheek.

"Hope you didn't mean that about Kryten over me." he said mock seductively,

Ace pulled back sharply. It was only till he saw Lister's chipmunk face broken in half by a mischievous grin that he knew he was being wound up.

"Just a joke." Lister said putting his arms up in surrender,

"Bugger off." Ace replied, "No pun intended."

Lister gave a look of faux-anger as Ace stifled a giggle, "G'night."

Lister turned and walked out of the room. If he hadn't been in such high spirits he may have noticed that the door that swooshed shut behind him when he entered the room was now ever so slightly open. In fact, he was in such a good mood, that, in the dark of his and Rimmer's room, he failed to notice that Rimmer was not in bed, but sat in a chair over in the corner. Rimmer stayed like that until he was sure Lister was asleep and then, he lay down on top of the bed sheets next to Lister and fell into a frustrated sleep.


	3. Paranoid Android

**Floor 13: Hero**

_Title Card: We apologise for the lack of Author's notes with this chapter. Jay and Silent Bob have gone AWOL. As a result, we have, at great expense, asked one of Big Brother's biggest fans, Avid Merrion to introduce the next chapter. We apologise to those people outside the UK who have never heard of him._

_Int. A room._

_We have a close up of a piece of card with "Avid's Art" written on it._

Avid:(_OS_) Welcome to Avid's Art. 

_A hand pulls away the title card ad reveals a sketch of Tyler Bateman typing at his computer. Avid is stood watching him over his shoulder._

Avid: (_OS_) This is me with the talented Tyler Bateman. He is typing stories onto his computer about the men who like to have the botty sex with other men. He is saying, 'I am not gay. I write these stories to see if I can'. I am saying, 'Shut up. I like your stories. They make me feel warm'. He is happy and then we hug. He is now my friend. RDSS, they like him, but I think I love him. He makes me think dirty dreams. I dedicate this story to him. Thank you please.

_Fade to balck:_

_Title card: We would like to point out that the dedication given by Avid is not the one that has been confirmed by Tyler Bateman Esq._

**Paranoid Android**

"_I feel like a wound, like I got a fuckin'_

_Gun against my head, you live when I'm dead_" **People = Shit** - Slipknot

The next morning, the kitchen was a hive of activity. At the breakfast table, JayVee was fixing the Cat's eye makeup. The Cat had long since asked JayVee not to disclose to the rest of the crew that his vanity had reached such  heights that he needed make up to help define his eyes and cheekbones. However, JayVee told him if he was going to wear makeup, he might as well be open about it.

"Besides," She had smirked one evening, "It's a bit of a turn on actually."

Shayne was reading her Bible, afterall it was Sunday. Kochanski, meanwhile, rushed around preparing breakfast much to Kryten's annoyance and Holly's amusement as he watched the two of them fight over the eggs. Lister was sat eating his cereal. He was mulling over the day he planned to have with Ace. There was so much he wanted to do. Though he would be just as happy to sit and listen to him wax lyrical about his adventures in alternate dimensions. At that point, Ace walked in wearing a pair of gold shorts and a white T-shirt. A classic look which Ace pulled off with aplomb. Enough to grab the attentions of those gay and straight.

"Morning chums." he said,

"Morning Mr Ace Sir." replied Kryten trying to wrestle the frying pan out of Kochanski's hand.

"Mornin' Ace." Lister said moving up to allow Ace to sit at the table,

"Morning Davey Boy."

Ace took his place next to Lister.

"I was thinking that maybe you could give a hand with some repairs I need to make to the hull of the ship." Lister said, "Shayne and the Cat have had a look, but nothing."

"You never asked me." Holly interrupted, "I can help you know. It was me that created the nanobots. I think I can help with the complex issue of hull damage."

"Holly, you haven't worked out how to stop the navicom from giving it's readings in Spanish."

"Alright, Alright. I'll get onto it . I was just experimenting. I dunno, you try to add a little bit of European taste to the proceedings and what thanks do you get..."

Holly faded off his monitor and Ace let out a laugh. He had certainly missed the Ship's computer. At the time he didn't think so, but looking back on it, there was something highly amusing about waking up and finding other people's body parts attached to yours. Ace turned his attentions back to Lister.

"I'd be glad to help Spanners."

"Wouldn't you just..." said a voice from the doorway.

Ace turned and smiled, "Morning Iron Balls."

Rimmer ignored Ace, walked past him and grabbed himself a coffee. Ace gave Lister a puzzled look. Lister took a quick glance at Rimmer, turned back to Ace and shrugged. 

"Rimsy?" Ace said, "Is there a problem, old friend?"

Rimmer took a sip of his coffee and narrowed his eyes, "Nothing that can't be solved when you go."

"Rimmer!" Lister exclaimed,

"That was uncalled for wannit?" Shayne said placing a hand on Rimmer's shoulder,

"Piss off Dyke." Rimmer said shrugging her hand off him,

Shayne frowned and snorted. She wasn't gonna take that, "Faggot!"

"Muff diver!"

"Ball bag Merchant!"

"Grow up the pair of you." Kochanski shouted

"He fuckin' started it. You heard him. Fuck it. If you weren't a pal, I'd smash your face in."

Rimmer sighed and walked to the door. As he walked, he felt everyone's eyes burrowing into him. Why didn't they just mind their own business? Before he left, Rimmer turned to face the room.

"Piss off."

And with that he was gone.

"What's the matter with brillo head?" enquired Cat,

"Nuthin', Nuthin'." Lister protested, "He's just probably got out of the wrong side of bed or something."

"Maybe so?" Ace smiled, "Not to worry. Remember the last time I was here? Your Rimmer was suspicious of me."

Lister nodded, "Yeah, you're right. I'll have a talk with him later."

-//-

Rimmer breathed deeply as he turned the corner into the corridor of the dungeon. He could feel his heart pulsating through his chest and as he did so, he gripped tighter onto his AK-47. He was thinking about Ace. He had been since his out burst in the kitchen this morning. How could he be that man? How? 

Before he could give the man any more thought, an Imp jumped out of the shadows. Despite popular belief, as God's creatures go, an Imp is an ugly bastard. As well as no neck it has no head. It's facial features stick out from it's muscular, pink torso. Rimmer pulled the trigger, but discovered he had run out of bullets.

"Smeg."

Suddenly, the Imp stopped and gave what looked like a smile.

"Awight, Rimmer" it said, "What's happening down in Groove Town?"

"Rimmer threw down his gun, "For fuck's sake, Holly." he shouted, "Can't you see I'm busy?"

"What? Playing Doom." the Holly Imp asked, "

"It's a tactical decision making simulator actually."

"Smeg off." Holly laughed,

"My thoughts exactly."

The Holly Imp gave a look of concern, "Look, is something wrong? You know you talk to me?"

"Why on Io would I want to do that?"

"Well, I am the reason for your resurrection. I kind of feel like your father in a way."

"Resurrection? Father?" Rimmer spat, "Don't you get it?! QUIT!"

Rimmer faded out of the game leaving Holly to mull over what started off this new outburst by Rimmer.

-//-

When Lister found Rimmer that evening, he was sat in the bowels of the ship reading a book.

"Hey, Rimmer." Lister said sitting next to Rimmer on the floor, "Whatcha reading?"

"The Rules of Attraction by Brett Easton Ellis." Rimmer replied,

"Sounds kinky. Any good?"

Rimmer put the book down, "What do you want Lister?"

"I want to know what's got into you, man?"

"You haven't worked it out have you?"

"Worked out what? Are you jealous of Ace? Coz I don't mind if you are. The Rimmer before you was jealous of Ace."

Rimmer let out a spiteful laugh, "Lister, Lister, Lister. I know Ace is your Rimmer. I've known since last night."

Lister let this sink in. Rimmer knew who Ace really was. This could get quite sticky. At a time like this there was only one thing you could say.

"Smeg." 


	4. No Surprises

Author's notes: No time for any. Enjoy!

No Surprises

"_If you knew me,_

_Like I know myself,_

_You'd hate me,_

_Like I hate myself_" 

**Jackass** - The Bloodhound Gang

"_You move like I want to,_

_To see like your eyes do_

_We are downstairs where_

_No one can see_

_New life breakaway_

_Tonight I feel like more_"  

**Digital Bath** - Deftones

"How... How do you know?" Lister stuttered,

Rimmer picked up his book and began to play with the corners. Curling the pages till they formed spiral cones. Anything, but look Lister in the face. 

"I followed you last night. When you went to visit him."

"You followed me? Why? Didn't you trust me or something?"

Keep looking down Rimmer. "To be honest. No. Then, when I heard you say he was the old Rimmer, I trusted you less."

Lister rubbed his temple with the balls of his palms, "I don't understand why you'd think there would be anything going on between us?"

Rimmer's face snapped up to stare at Lister, "Because no matter what you say about me I'll always be second best."

Lister went silent. So did Rimmer. The only thing that could be heard was the faint throb of music coming from somewhere on Starbug. Lister couldn't think of anything to say and so he simply sat there and prayed that Rimmer would be the first to continue. He was.

"Lister, do you know how many times I have woken up and realised that I'm not really Rimmer?"

"But you are, man."

"No I'm not. I'm a carbon copy. If you photocopiedd the Mona Lisa, the original would always come up trumps. And what makes it worse is the fact that you have feelings for him that you will never have for me."

"Rimmer, man, listen to yourself. You sound..."

"I sound like a man talking a lot of fucking sense. When you went into Stasis you were 26 and I was 31. Whiz forward a couple of millennia and you're 32 and I'm still 31. I have missed out on six years of your life." 

There was a long pause. In which time Lister tried to hold Rimmer's hand and was rejected. 

"He's been there though hasn't he. He's been there when you faced the polymorph.  Twice. He was the one who stood by you when you gave birth. When the chips were down, he was the one who tried to save you all from your future selves. Lister, He was the man Holly assigned to keep you sane. Your bond to him is something I can't compete with."

Lister let Rimmer's speech settle in. It was mostly all true. His Rimmer had been there when Lister gave birth to Jim and Bexley. However, his main objective was to convince Kryten that Lister should be allowed to give birth without gas… and through his anus. Also, it was true that his Rimmer did try to blow up the time machine that was the reason why they had ended up in a battle with their future selves, but he failed. Try explaining this to the Rimmer sitting next to him and it would be like preaching to the converted. How can the same person be so different in the space of a few years? Also, as for this feeling Rimmer had about being a clone... Lister couldn't argue there either. If you faced facts, that's what he was. Rimmer, JayVee, Shayne, Kill Crazy. They were all clones. Clones that were created by Holly in a continuing effort to keep Lister's brain from turning to mulch.

"Rimmer, man, you're right." Lister said finally, "There is a bond between me and Ace, I mean, Rimmer, I mean... Look, but don't you see that I have a bond with you that I'll never have with him."

"What are you talking about Lister?" Rimmer said dejectedly,

"We spent close to two years on Floor 13. For a starter, Ace didn't even know there was a Floor 13, so already he's kinda out of the loop. Also, we fought against a T-Rex called Pete. That's hardly ever gonna happen again. We gave a virus to Hollister that ate his clothes. Grim, but amusing. You and I both shared the suffering of having to cope with Kill Crazy's death at the hands of the Simulants. And you know something else?"

"What?"

"Ace has nothing on us because we're in love. Don't get me wrong, I love him, but I'm in love with you."

Rimmer gave a smile and leaned forward to kiss Lister. He couldn't think of anything else to say. Lister's naivity that love will save the day blinded him from the truth. Rimmer was half the man Ace was, is and ever shall be. However, he couldn't continue to be angry at Lister. It just wasn't right and after they had kissed, Rimmer embraced Lister and held on to him as if he were the last human alive. If Kryten were here he would most certainly point out the irony. 

"You gonna be okay, man." Lister said finally,

"Yes." Rimmer said lying through his teeth,

"Good, but look, don't tell anyone else about Ace. It'll just make it harder for him to leave if everyone found out who he was."

"Oh, I wouldn't want to do that." Rimmer smiled thinly,

Suddenly Starbug began to shake. A loud klaxon went off and Holly's voice boomed around Starbug.

"ATTENTION. ATTENTION. WE ARE BEING ATTACKED. COULD ALL THOSE PEOPLE NOT HAVING SEX MAKE THEIR WAY TO THE BRIDGE. THOSE WHO ARE HAVING SEX, PLEASE MAKE YOUR WAY TO THE BRIDGE. ANY TIME NOW. WHEN YOU'RE READY. DON'T THINK YOU HAVE TO RUSH...." 

There was a pause as Lister and Rimmer stood up and dusted themselves down.

"GET A FUCKING MOVE ON."

-//-

When Rimmer and Lister made it to the bridge, people had already taken their positions. Kryten was in his usual place, Ace had taken over the Navi-Com and the Cat and Shayne were at the controls. Kochanski and JayVee were stood behind their respective partners. Ace looked over his shoulder at Rimmer and Lister, then back at his table.

"Nice you could joins chaps." he said, "Appears we're having a spot of bother with someone."

"Who?" 

"Him." said the Cat pointing to what lay outside,

A red craft, large enough to inhabit one pilot, was speeding towards them. Every now and then it let off a series of shots.

"There's been no actual damage to the ship." Holly said appearing on a monitor, "I think he must be using a stun gun to scare us."

"Who the smeg is he?" Rimmer shouted as the craft let off another round, "Is it one of the Simulants?"

"It looks like Ace's ship." Lister cried,

"'Fraid so, chaps." Ace said glumly, "I'm afraid I might know the chap."

The craft stop when it was at least half a mile from Starbug. For five minutes, there was silence. No one dared say anything. If you listened carefully, you could almost hearing the various parts of Kryten all whirring and buzzing around the mechanoid. Lister shot a glance at Ace who was staring sternly at their visitor. Shayne pulled a cigarette out of her pocket and this time Kochanski didn't stop her from lighting up. Then, after what seemed, like an eternity, the red craft began to hail them.

"Answer it Krytie." Ace ordered, "If this is who I think it is, he won't take kindly to being ignored."

"Right away sir."

Kryten responded and the all the monitors, except those that held important information and the one that Holly was on, lit up and projected an overly familiar sneering face. It looked like Rimmer, but more athletic. His hair was black and spiked. He wore a flight suit like Ace's, except you could tell, even by the monitors, that this was a much sleeker outfit. Everyone, except Ace, did a double take.

"Who is that?" Lister whispered, 

"No need to answer, Ace." the man said, "I'll do it for you. My name, David, is Judas Rimmer. It is a name that you should fear. However, I have no time for fun today. All I require is Ace."

"Sorry, old chap." Ace said, "I'd love to come out and play, but I'm afraid I'm visiting some friends and I think it would be bloody minded of me to disappear without making them supper first."

"Always with the quips, aren't we Ace?" said Judas, "Well, look, I'll tell you what. You have half an hour. By which time, I want you out here and ready to fight. If you don't, I'm going to blow the whole fucking lot of you up. Ta-ta!"

Everyone looked at each other. No one knew what to say. Finally, Holly broke the silence.

"Who's up for some French toast?"


	5. Creep

Author's notes: I hope you all enjoy this chapter. I have really enjoyed writing it. If there was anyone out there who enjoyed my aborted fic, "Judas", then you're gonna love this. Now, excuse me, I gotta meet two guys in Manchester. One's pretty quiet, but the other just talks for the Olympics

 ****

**This one goes out to Doe. Cheers.**

Creep 

"_There are no more barriers to cross. All I have in common with the uncontrollable and the insane, the vicious and the evil, all the mayhem I have caused and my utter indifference toward it, I have now surpassed... My pain is constant and sharp and I do not hope for a better world for anyone. I fact I want my pain to be inflicted on others. I want no escape. But even after admitting this, there is no catharsis. I gain no deeper knowledge about myself, no new knowledge can be extracted from my telling. There has been no reason for me to tell you any of this. This confession has meant nothing..._" 

**American Psycho (Screenplay; 4th Draft)** - Mary Harron and Guinevere Turner

"_If we followed every impulse, we'd be killing one another._"

**Miss Manners** - Judith Martin

When his message ended, Ace recalled the life of Judas Rimmer. His life ran adjacent with Rimmer's life right up until the decision that would push Rimmer forward or a back a year in school. Judas was pushed back. However, rather then learn humility, Judas learnt to be the alpha male of his class. Being a whole foot taller, he threw his weight around to gain the things he wanted. At seven years old, he had become a pint size Don Corleone. It didn't stop there. When he was 15, he discovered sex and it became his weapon of choice. His most grievous assault being on a boy of 13. The boy in question was meant to have done Judas's Chemistry homework. His failure to do so resulted in him being held against a wall by two of Judas's bigger friends in the sports hall showers and raped by 

Judas himself.

When he was 18 and in his final year, Judas got the school nurse pregnant. When the matter was addressed by the school's officials, Judas claimed he had been molested by the 35 year old nurse since she started. With threats of sodomy and violence, Judas managed to find several witnesses to testify that they too had been molested. The nurse was dismissed and her license taken away.

When he was 21, Judas changed his name by deed poll. Having already divorced himself from his parents he saw no reason to keep the name they had given him. At 22, he was in the Space Corps. Judas began to use the practise he had had at Io house to broaden his threats and bribes. By the time he was 30, he was short listed to test pilot the new Dimension Jump drive. It was between him and his room mate. By the time he had finished with the man's body, he was the finalist.

The only problem was that of David 'Spanners' Lister. He walked as engineer on the Dimension Jump drive and was beginning to suspect that Judas was not all that he seemed. He filed a complaint with Bongo. Judas torched his house while Kochanski and his two sons were inside. Soon after that Lister killed himself. On the 27th April, Judas was the first person ever to test the Dimension Jump Drive. His crimes went unpunished.

After killing four people, Judas discovered a taste for it. Whereas Ace would help people in different dimension, Judas began to cause havoc. His greatest achievement was to kill twelve crew members of the mining vessel Red Dwarf and frame his AU self for the crimes. His biggest disappointment was that he never killed Ace Rimmer.

Well, this was how Ace put it across to the crew of Star Bug. In reality, Judas had killed Ace. In fact, he had killed the first Ace. Ace was growing tired of his life and began training a new Rimmer. Before he had finished, the new Ace had to escape when Judas shot his mentor in the head. Since then Judas has jumped from Dimension to dimension, trying to cause havoc and kill every Ace he came across. He had been following this Ace on board Star Bug for three years. He was now 40.

"So," Ace said, continuing his version of events, "He's got a bit of a thing for me. Would prefer it if I stopped breathing."

Holly appeared on one of the monitors.

"Judas wants a word with you guys." he said,

"But we've got fifteen minutes left..." Lister protested,

"It's alright Skipper." Ace said, putting a reassuring hand on Lister's shoulder, "Punch it up Holly." 

Judas appeared on the monitor smiling like a panther, "Hello Ace. Look, I know you've got fifteen minutes left, but I've had a change of heart. How about I come on board and beat the living shit out of you? It'll only take about forty five minutes and then I can set about the task of raping your women and killing your friends. Just a thought. Let me know what you think?"

"You sick fuck!" Shayne shouted, 

"Oh, sweetheart, the things I could do to you." Judas said emotionless,

"Look, come aboard..."

"Ace?" Cat questioned, holding onto JayVee,

"It's okay, Cat. Judas, come through the air lock into quarantine. I'll be there 

waiting for you."

"Good Lord. If I didn't know any better, Ace, I'd say you were setting up a trap 

for me."

"No traps. No weapons. Just you and me. A fight..." Ace swallowed hard, "A fight 

to the death."

Lister looked at Ace's face. Although his voice sounded strong, his face betrayed him. Lister knew that although Rimmer had been Ace for a few years now, he was terrified of this man. 

"Do you know what you're doing Ace?" Lister asked,

"F-fine, Skipper." Ace lied,  "Not a problem."

"Well, I'll catch you in five." Judas said and waved goodbye, "Oh and ladies, make sure you clean yourselves."

Judas was replaced by Holly and the group stood in silence. Suddenly there was a hiss of a door. The groups turned to see that the cockpit door had been shut. The Cat tried to pen it and found it locked. He glanced at the group and frowned.

"Where's Brillo pad head?"

Lister spun round to see that Rimmer had gone.

"You blasted fool, Arnie." Ace mumbled,

-//-

Rimmer sat in the quarantine bay with only his deep breathing for company. The quarantine bay was about 20 ft x 20 ft. Half the room was taken up by an enclosed area for the sick. It contained a bed, a toilet and was separated from the rest of the room by a wall with a large observation window and a door. The other half of the bay contained the various apparatus needed to make checks on someone who may have come back from a heavily diseased planet. In front of Rimmer was the door to the air lock. Rather then risk infecting anybody by carrying the sick from the landing bay, the person in question would be carried by two medics, wearing breathing apparatus, from the air lock to the observation room.

Rimmer jumped when he heard the hiss of the air lock. This was it. This was the moment Arnold Rimmer became a man. Judas stepped through the lock and stood staring at Rimmer.

"Who are you?" he asked,

"M-my name is R-Rimmer." Rimmer said, "I'm here to protect my friends"

"Really?" Judas said scratching his chin, "That is such an interesting concept. However, you see, the things is... who is going to save you?"

Judas pulled out what looked like a hand cannon.

"Ace said no weapons." Rimmer shouted, 

"My room mate asked me not to plunge an axe into his head, but it doesn't mean I have to listen to him."

Judas aimed a shot and it hit Rimmer in the shoulder. Rimmer fell to the floor in pain. His shoulder was bleeding heavily and Judas was standing over him like a lion stands over an injured gazelle. Rimmer crawled around on the floor.

"Where are you going?" Judas said bemused, "You're just delaying things."

Judas stalked around after him, until finally Rimmer stopped moving. Suddenly, there was a banging on the door.

"Rimmer, Rimmer!" Lister shouted through the door, 

"Arnold, what are you doing?" JayVee screamed, "Get out of there."

"Be with you in a minute." Judas sang,

Rimmer looked up at Judas and threw a kick at his arm. The hand cannon flew in the air and landed amongst some hard drives that were on a desk. Judas sneered took a step towards Rimmer. Rimmer threw another kick and this one landed right in Judas' testicles. Judas cupped them as Rimmer pulled himself up. 

"Oh, I am going to enjoy killing you." Judas shouted,

"Fuck you." Rimmer replied and pushed Judas as hard as he could,

Unbeknownst to Judas, Rimmer had been crawling on the floor so that he could position Judas, so that he had his back to the open door of the observation room. Judas flew into the room and hit his head against the corner of the metal bed frame. He was knocked out cold. Rimmer ran to the door and sealed it. Suddenly, the door behind him opened and the rest of the crew and Ace came zooming in. Lister threw a hug around Rimmer and Kryten immediately began to make some checks on Judas.

"He's alive." Kryten said, "He'll be unconscious for a couple of hours."

While Lister continued to hug him, Rimmer glanced a look at Ace. He was seething. If Rimmer didn't know any better, it looked like Ace was going to attack Rimmer himself. He shot a look at the floor and continued to hold and kiss Lister.

"Seriously," Holly said, "I think we could all do with some French toast."  


	6. High and Dry

**Author's Note: Uuum, hi!**

**Dedicated to Doe, Lauren, Nightshade and Miss Kitty and the sky and the world and penguins and... Ah sod it, this one's for all of ya.**

High and Dry 

"_Bless my soul and praise the Lord,_

_'Cause the Saviour is so nice-_

_Fool you'll be the Devil's slave,_

_When Satan comes to tempt ya,_

_You better pray to Jesus,_

_Or the demons will exempt ya._" 

**It's Right in Here** - BIG dumb FACE

"_Fear the passage of Jesus,_

_For He does not return._" 

**Track 0** - Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds

_I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I just want your company/ I want you to comfort me/ Just come with me..._

The boom box the Cat had stolen from Red Dwarf throbbed to the beat of (Hed)PE. It was by far his favourite song for sex and right now, that's what it was being used as a backdrop to. Though to be honest, Cat couldn't tell you what song was on as he was putting all his efforts into pleasing JayVee. He made short, sharp laps at her clitoris in the same way he ate Rice Krispies. JayVee was extremely tense after the night's proceedings and so as they left Quarantine Cat suggested a little foreplay to settle her nerves.

It wasn't that JayVee wasn't enjoying the experience of Cat's rough tongue against her, it was just... Well, it was hard to enjoy yourself when you were on board the same ship as a man who had threatened to rape the entire female crew. Still, she didn't want to worry Cat anymore then necessary, so she made appreciative noises and tried to keep Judas' face out of her head. (Hed)PE was replaced by Missy Elliot and JayVee tried to relax. 

_I'm not a prostitute/But I can give you whatcha want..._

-//-

Kochanski poured a shot of whiskey into four glasses. Ordinarily, she didn't drink whiskey, but the events of today provided more then a reason. Ace, Rimmer and Lister joined her in the kitchen. Shayne and Kryten were keeping a check on Judas, whilst the Cat and JayVee had scurried off to their room. No doubt for some heavy duty bonking, Kochanski thought.

Kochanski placed the drinks on the kitchen table and sat down with the boys.

"So..." She began.

"So..." Ace repeated.

"What are we going to do about him then?" Lister finished.

"Can't we just kill him?" Rimmer suggested.

"Bad idea Arnie." Ace replied, "That's a little uncalled for, don't you think?"

"Oh, I suppose you're right." Rimmer sneered, "Afterall, he's only threatened kill us. I tell you what, let's give him a slap on the wrist and send him on his way, hmmm?"

"That's not what Ace meant, Rimmer." Lister said defensively.

"Really?" 

"Lister's right, Rimsy." Ace answered, "Killing Judas will make us no better then him. Kris, is there anyway Judas can get out of Quarantine?

Kochanski pondered this for a bit, "No.. Not really. The only way he could get out is if someone let him out. Some how I don't see that happening anytime soon."

She let out a hesitant laugh and took a swig of her drink.

"Fine." Ace said, "Then I want to keep him there and once I've worked out what I'm going to do, we'll let him out."

"Well, don't make your mind up too quickly." Rimmer snorted, "I wouldn't want to add a sense of urgency to the proceedings."

Ace let out a false laugh, while Lister tried to crawl into his glass. Kochanski shifted uncomfortably in her chair and wondered how Shayne was doing.

-//-

Shayne was down in Quarantine helping Kryten keep a check on Judas. Kryten had insisted that Shayne went to bed, but seeing as everyone else was still awake and the adrenaline was pumping through her veins, Shayne couldn't sleep. She wanted to be next to Kochanski and yet, Judas fascinated her enough not to want to go to the kitchen. Besides, Ace and Rimmer would be together and frankly, she could do without the tension.

Judas had been awake for a while now. Kryten felt it would be best to check on his behaviour before alerting everyone. Shayne agreed. The minute he awoke, Judas ripped off his jacket and began to do a series of push-ups. There was no acknowledgement of his captors, just straight to exercising. Shayne found it hard not to be impressed by his body. For a 40-year-old man, he had a torso like an athletic 19 year old. His stomach was so flat and tight you could bounce a penny off it. Shayne at his arms as they worked like pistons to levitate his body up and down.

After the press ups he sat up and began to do some sit-ups. As he did so, Shayne noticed the tattoo on his right arm. The number 88. Shayne recognised it from her history classes. In the 20th century, people with Nazi tendencies would wear the number somewhere about their person. The 8th letter of the alphabet was H. 88 equals HH. Heil Hitler. Without saying anything, Shayne pointed it out to Kryten who nodded grimly.

Kryten just couldn't understand how someone like Rimmer could end up like Judas. When faced with Judas, one began to understand how mentally strong Rimmer was, Kryten mused. Yes, Rimmer was a bastard when he wanted to be, but his complete control over his anger, his hate and his venom allowed him to keep a check on his ego so it didn't reach the catastrophic proportions of Judas.

Meanwhile, Judas had finished his exercise regime and was now staring out of the window at Kryten and Shayne. His hands splayed across the glass as he rested on his arms. He said nothing, but his stare bore right through Shayne. He walked slowly to the end of his room, turned to face the window again and ran at full pelt towards it. The resulting bang made the glass vibrate for several seconds. Kryten would have sweated with panic if he were human. A quick inspection of the Observation room's window showed no cracks. Judas was trying to scare them. He stalked around his room like a panther at the zoo. Kryten switched on the mic and spoke to Judas.

"Mister Judas, Sir. You'll find that this glass is reinforced. There's no way you can break it." He said, 

Judas continued to pace, "Fallen! Fallen is Babylon the Great! She has become a home for demons and a haunt for every evil spirit, a haunt for every unclean and detestable bird."

"I'm sorry, sir." Kryten remarked perplexed,

"It's from Revelations, Kryten." Shayne explained, "Revelation 18:2. The fall of Babylon. When all the evil and corrupt were punished. Judas wants to punish us."

"I think it's best if we fetch the others." Kryten said, "Agreed?"

"Agreed." 

Kryten and Shayne made their way out of the room to find the others. In their hurry, Kryten had left the mic on and Shayne could hear Judas' voice reverberating around the quarantine bay.

"Fear the passage of Jesus! Fear it! For He does not return!"


	7. Bullet Proof I wish I was

_EXT. THE GRAND CENTRAL (MANCHESTER). DAY_

_Establishing shot. "Tube of Wonderful" by Dave Pirner plays. _

_INT. GRAND CENTRAL. _

_The pub is slightly busy. Bateman is sat near the window supping on a BBK. _

Voice: Check out this morose Muthafucka...

_Tyler looks up. "Tube of Wonderful" is drowned out by the opening bars of Run DMC's "Tougher Then Leather". We pan over to see Jay and Silent Bob._

Jay: Smells like someone shit in his cereal. Buunngg!

Tyler: Jesus! There's a phrase that isn't getting overused.

_Jay and Silent Bob sit down facing Tyler at his table._

Jay: So, what's the matta with youse? Chick problems? Coz if so, we gotta book. Otherwise, this tubby bitch'll start spewing some shit about some slut he dated.

_Silent Bob slaps Jay round the back of his head._

Jay: Knock it off already.

Tyler: Look, I was having a quiet beer. I've had a really shitty week and now my serenity and zen like calm has been disrupted by Cock Cheese and his mute partner.

Jay: (To Bob) Heh, he called you cock cheese.

Tyler: So, you wanna tell me why you're here?

Jay: Well, y'know, it's like the fuckin' DMC say. "Sent by the Lord, here and abroad".

_Tyler removes his glasses and rubs his eyes wearily._

Tyler: And the reason why you're not in Jersey introducing my fics.

Jay: We're here for the pussy!

_Bob shakes his head slightly in disgust._

Tyler: What?

Jay: We wanna meet those hookers you bin hangin' out with.

Tyler: Jay, are you high?

Jay: Shit yea'. (Beat) You wanna toke?

Jay offers him a blunt from his pocket. 

Tyler: Wigga, shut the fuck up! Now, what the fuck are you doing here and what the fuck are you talking about? What fucking hookers? FUCK!!

Jay: (To Bob) Have you heard the mouth on this one? Dirtier then ya mother's draws. (To Tyler) Now, look we read that message out and we read about Ms Kitty. Then, we went over to Brodie's house, he puts us on the intranet and we go on whoopee.com or whatever the fuck it's called. Next, we see all these hookers names like Kitty and Nightshade etc. Then, lo and behold, we find your name amongst them all. So, once again, where are the fuckin' hookers?

_Tyler goes to open his mouth and is interrupted by an outburst by Silent Bob._

Bob: THERE ARE NO HOOKERS! CAN'T YOU SEE THAT? I DON'T KNOW WHY THE FUCK I FOLLOWED YOU HERE. JESUS! ALL THE TIME, ALL I HEAR, 'YO, TUBBY, LET'S GET LAID'. 'HEY, LOOK AT THAT BITCH.'. I'M FUCKING SICK OF IT. (Calming down.) I'm sick of it Jay. I wanna smell a rose. I wanna cradle a laughing child. Christ, I want more from life, can't you see that?

Bob sighs, gets up slowly and leaves the pub. Tyler and Jay shift uncomfortably in their seats. Finally, Jay speaks.

Jay: Dude, you pissed him off big time.

Fade to black.

_Title Card: It must be made clear that the members of RDSS are not hookers. _

However, Tyler has said he would let Angelina Jolie pay him for sex.

**Dedicated to Scavenger because she gave me free publicity and she hasn't tried to kill me yet. Also, hugs to Doe. To the rest of you, a warning! This story's **

**gonna get a lot darker before it gets any lighter.**

Bullet Proof... I Wish I was 

"_Caught on the back step I see myself tripping_

_On the dark ship that I be voyaging_

_Into the darkest deepest recess_

_My mirror image shatters into a thousand pieces_

_As I entertain the thoughts of my reflection_

_A one way ticket through the corridors of tension_

_The flip side, the negative vibe_

_Too easy to hate and too lazy to like_" 

**Someone to Hate** - King Prawn

"_He's Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer,_

_Without him life would be much grimmer_" 

**The Rimmer Song **- Arnold Rimmer

"Can I sit down?" 

Rimmer dragged himself from his stupor to face his guest. Rather then answer him, he turned his attention back to the floor and grunted. Ace had followed Rimmer into his room after his little outburst in the kitchen.

"Thanks old man." Ace said, and took his position next to Rimmer on the bed,

"Look, don't bother with the voice. It doesn't impress me." Rimmer snorted, "Get rid of that ridiculous hair as well."

Ace sighed and ran his left hand through his long golden locks and gave a sharp tug. The whole hair piece came off in his hand and was replaced by a patch of matted, curly, brown hair. Rimmer stared with contempt at his twin.

"You don't like me, do you Rimmer?" Ace asked.

"As sure as eggs are eggs, Ace." Rimmer snorted.

"Mmm, I'm glad you said that." Ace said half jokingly, "I thought I was being paranoid."

He turned to share a smile, but was met by the solemn wall of Rimmer.

"Ahem, so how did you find out? About me, I mean."

Reluctantly, Rimmer confessed to how he had listened in on Ace and Lister's conversation. Ace didn't interrupt and when he had finished, Rimmer returned to looking at the floor. Ace pulled a silver cigarillo box out of his breast pocket and lit one its contents. Rimmer sniffed the air and snorted in disgust, but said nothing.

"Look, Rimmer." Ace said finally, emphasising the first syllable deliberately, 

"I know Lister has asked you not to tell Cat and Kryten who I am. He told me, but can I ask you to at least pretend you like me?"

"Why?" Rimmer sneered.

Ace threw the cigarillo on the floor and crushed it beneath his boot. He stood and then violently grabbed Rimmer by the scruff of his shirt collar.

"Because," Ace shouted, "You don't want to hurt Lister's feelings, do you?"

"No." Rimmer squeaked.

"Good. Now, look, I am going to be here for a while whether you like it or not. So, stop looking like a slapped arse and get your face straight!"

Ace let go and Rimmer sat down, visibly shaken. Ace picked his wig up off the floor and placed it back on his head. At that point, Kryten and Shayne burst in.

"Mr Ace! Mr Rimmer!" Kryten cried, "I must ask that you join us down in quarantine."

"Er, right," said Ace, "Problem, Kryters?"

"Looks like the arsecunt's awake." Shayne replied,

-//-

20 minutes later, everyone was down in quarantine. Ace paced around the room, occasionally glancing at Judas. Judas was performing some obscene dance and singing loudly. Rimmer turned off the mike to Judas' room and shifted uncomfortably from one foot to the next. His hand squeezed Lister's shoulder and Lister craned his neck to kiss Rimmer's fingers.

"So," Ace began, "Let me get this straight. There's not a single working close circuit camera on this craft? Out of two hundred crafts, you stole the one Starbug with no security devices!"

"Look bud," Cat said, getting angry for the first time ever with Ace. He didn't mean to, it was just that when Ace talked down to him like that, he sounded like the old Rimmer before he died. "We were trying to get out of a living hell. The last thing we were concerned about was whether we could make home movies."

"Cat, please..." JayVee squeezed the Cat's knee and he settled down,

"What about you Holly?" Ace asked turning to a monitor,

Holly's digital face frowned. "Sorry Ace, but it's not gonna happen. I've been holed up in a watch too long. I haven't got enough memory to keep an eye on both players in a tennis match, let alone this whole ship. It's not possible anymore, sorry."

"Hey man," Lister replied, "Don't worry, eh? No one was expecting you to do so. Looks like we'll have to take shifts. Keep an eye on him, y'know? Each of us can do about two to four hours. Shouldn't be too bad. After all, he ain't going nowhere."

Lister looked at Judas in his glass cage. Judas sat on his bed, eyes piercing into the back of Lister's skull.

"I hope," Lister murmured, "I really do."

-//-

Kryten took the first shift and that night everyone tried to their best to relax and sleep. Kochanski nuzzled at Shayne's breast and thought about Rimmer. Most of us are aware of the concept of an angel and a demon perched on our shoulders telling us what to do. In some way, Rimmer was faced with the reality.

In Rimmer and Lister's room, Lister gently entered his former roommate from behind. Although he could feel Rimmer from the inside, he felt that Rimmer wasn't all there. However, he chose not to say anything and after they both experienced a weak climax, they slept on opposite sides of the bed for the first time in months.

Ace lay on his bed and made himself hard. He pictured JayVee naked. He imagined her begging for him. He fantasised about having heavy, sweaty, somewhat illegal sex. The whole fantasy would be enough satisfy him, but something just didn't feel right. He felt empty. It wasn't right. JayVee was with Cat. He felt what he was doing was wrong. It was something Judas would do. As was the way he had yelled at Rimmer in his room. He wasn't Judas. He couldn't be Judas. Ever. He hoped. If Ace could read minds, he'd find that he wasn't alone in his fear of becoming Judas. 

In his room, Rimmer quietly wept.


	8. Wake Up Hate

**Author's Note: Warning this fic contains scenes that some may find disturbing. It contains references towards rape and serious deviant behaviour. None of which reflect the views and opinions of the author. Believe me, I had to go zone out in front of 'The Office' after writing this, I have a tendency to get too involved when writing. I'd say enjoy, but erm...**

Wake Up Hate 

"_To do aught good never will be our task,_

_But ever to do ill our sole delight,_

_As being the contrary to his high will_

_Whom we resist. If then his providence_

_Out of our evil seek to bring forth good,_

_Our labour must be to pervert that end,_

_And out of good still to find means of evil,_"

**Paradise Lost** - John Milton

"_It's not,_

_What you thought,_

_When you first began it,_

_You got,_

_What you want,_

_Now you can hardly stand it though,_

_By now you know,_

_It's not going to stop,_

_It's not going to stop,_

_It's not going to stop,_

_Till you wise up._"

**Wise Up** - Aimee Mann

Rimmer remembered when he was 11 years old, he had watched a fake documentary set in a haunted house. At the end of the show, after most of the presenters had been killed, Rimmer had sat transfixed as the main host staggered to a disused camera pleading for help. His pleas were replaced a demon like voice that seemed to vomit out of his mouth. That night, Arnold J Rimmer, aged eleven and three quarters, had sat on his bed with a spine made of ice and a forehead of sewing needles.

20 years on, that very same feeling greeted Rimmer when he woke up on board Starbug. It was his turn to look after Judas.

After a shower that didn't seem to refresh and a breakfast that failed to nourish, Rimmer made his way to Quarantine. JayVee had been there for most of the night. The Cat had been with her, but his constant need for naps meant JayVee had to send him to bed. Rimmer gave a weary smile to JayVee, who returned the gesture and closed the copy of Red Dragon she had been reading. Judas was lying on his bed staring at the ceiling.

"Don't worry about him." JayVee said picking a piece of fluff out of Rimmer's hair. "I've had to turn his mike off. Cat left about two hours ago and Judas over there got personal. Started asking me about the size of my breasts."

"36C right?" Rimmer said,

"Fuck off." JayVee said playfully, "Anyway, how are you? Ready for this?"

"Yeah, yeah." Rimmer lied, "Ready for this."

He pointed to where JayVee had been sat, behind a desk.

"This is where I'm sitting." He continued, "Marvellous! Well, off you go JayVee. Tell Lister I'll see him later."

JayVee nodded and left. She knew that Rimmer was scared. Shit, they all were, but it was affecting him the worst. Best not to say anything, she though, he'll get it off his chest sooner or later.

Rimmer sat at his desk and opened up the book he had brought. After about fifteen minutes, he noticed out of the corner of his eyes, that Judas was up and trying to get his attention. Rimmer knew he should just ignore him, but he clicked his mike on anyway. 

"What do you want, Judas?"

"Do you know what bra size she is?" Judas beamed, "I only ask because I've never seen a pair like that!"

Rimmer rolled his eyes and drew his attention back to his book. 

"All I'm saying, Arnold, " Judas continued, "All I'm saying is that if she asked me for a Double Entendre, I'd give her one."

"Judas!" Rimmer barked, "Do you want to keep it down?"

"Oh come on, Arnold. That was funny. Double entendre, give her one. The set up was poor, but the follow through..."

"Shut up! Just shut up."

Judas sat down on his bed and began to pick at the side of his shoe. Rimmer continued to read his book, but found it hard to concentrate. Every now and then he would steal a look at Judas. Five minutes went by and then Judas pulled something out of his pockets. Rimmer knew what they were. When they searched Judas' unconscious body, they had confiscated anything they thought he could use to escape. Ace stumbled across several Amyl capsules. His first thought was take those as well, but Kryten suggested that rather then take them completely, they would ration them out to Judas. They would give him one capsule every morning to last him all day. It was better to have a stoned Judas then a pissed off one demanding drugs. Hopefully, they will have worked out what to do with Judas before they ran out.

Rimmer watched Judas snort that day's ration down. Judas turned to face Rimmer and smiled. 

"Would you like some?" Judas asked,

"No thank you."

"Aww, shame. I was going to say, y'know, come in and we'll have ourselves a party."

Judas began to laugh long and hard. His laugh was different to Rimmer's. It would start off deep and then suddenly it would increase in pitch. Rimmer shuddered as he realised that it reminded him of a screaming child.

"Ok Dr. Gonzo, quiet time." Rimmer said sternly,

Judas sat cross legged on the bed and mockingly put his finger to his lips. He giggled quietly as the Amyl capsule took effect. Once the giggling subsided, Judas stood and leaned against the observation window.

"It's funny, but the others turned me off." Judas said making a flicking motion as if turning off a light. "You though, you want to listen to me don't you Arnold?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"Then switch me off." sneered Judas in a way that reminded Rimmer of his brother Howard.

Neither of the Rimmer's moved, until finally Judas unleashed another round of laughter.

"This is precious." he said, "You really are intrigued with what I have to say, aren't you? So, Arnold, what would you like to know about me? Or would you rather I learnt more about you first?"

Rimmer finally put his book down and crossed his arms. If he couldn't read, he may as well listen.

"Is it strange, Arnold?" Judas continued, "Is it strange to see that both Ace and I are not gay?  Don't look at me like that. It's not as if you were being subtle about your deviant lifestyle. I saw the way Lister kissed your hand. I think I was quite strong to keep the bile from rising. Why? Why are you fucking him?"

"I love him."

"Oh, Christ!" Judas laughed. "Is that what you think? Well, go on, tell me all about how you and ape boy got together."

Judas sat cross-legged on his bed and Rimmer, once more, recounted the tale of how he and Lister had become lovers. Despite his previous outspoken convictions towards homosexuality, Judas would have Rimmer go into extreme detail about various points in the tale. Although Rimmer felt some discomfort in doing so, he did so just to keep Judas quiet.

When he had finished, Judas closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Nothing more was said for the rest of the shift. Judas merely got into bed and slept off the rest of his amyl capsule and Rimmer went back to reading his book.

-//-

The next day, after a hearty meal from Shayne, it was time for Rimmer's second shift. As he reached the door to Quarantine, Ace walked out.

"Ah, here for you shift, huh? Listen, Rimsy, how's it going with Judas?" Ace said,

"Not bad, Ace-y." Rimmer said mockingly, "Why?"

"I'm just sort of warning everybody really." Ace replied. "He's cunning, Rimmer. He's cunning and evil and you'd do well not to get involved with him. Whatever he says or does, remember he is a murderer. His killings total more then Dr. Harold Shipman."

Rimmer pulled the same face a sixteen year old girl makes when she is told by disproving parents that she can't go to the local youth centre with half her breasts hanging out of her crop top.

"Why are you telling me this?" Rimmer said flippantly.

"Look, I know I yelled at you, but..."

"Whatever." 

"Rimmer, would you just..."

"I'm a big boy, Ace. Now, kindly make like the human race and fornicate off."

Rimmer pushed his way past Ace and stormed into quarantine. Ace shook his head and walked towards the kitchen. Rimmer was  a blasted idiot, but Ace knew that if he had been spoken to the way he spoke to Rimmer, he'd have acted exactly the same way to. Regardless of what direction Arnold Rimmer's life took, he was still a stubborn human being. 

When Rimmer walked into Quarantine, he found Judas waiting for him. He had a stern look and made the motion for Rimmer to turn on his mike. Rimmer did so and settled down. The thing was Judas didn't say anything. In fact, he didn't speak until the final hour.

"Do you remember Mr Schmidt?" Judas said.

Rimmer did. He was a man who use to live across from the Rimmers back on Io. He was a friendly man who had looked after Rimmer for his parents on many occasions. The thing was Rimmer realised that there was a gap in his memory. There was a hole about his childhood that he couldn't fill. Mr Schmidt was his neighbour and then he wasn't. Rimmer couldn't remember ever moving out.

"I vaguely remember. Why?" Rimmer said

"To think that there are multiple realities out there is fine. You, Ace and I are living proof of this. To believe that one thing could alter the course of your life is understandable. However, to believe that being moved up and down a year could have that much of an effect on your life is just plain gullible."

"Nope, Judas, you've lost me."

"When you were six years old, your family went away to New Blackpool. You couldn't go, remember, because you had tried to shave the cat."

Rimmer let out a brief laugh. Yes, he could remember that. His brothers had put him up to do it for a bet.

"Don't laugh!" Judas shouted. "Don't ever fucking laugh when I'm talking."

"Okay. Smeg, I'm sorry."

"Just... Just don't laugh."

Judas stood up and began to walk around his cell. As he talked his arms flailed around wildly. 

"Mr Schmidt said he would look after you. Remember? Do you remember?"

"Vaguely. Judas, this was years ago. I can't be expected to remember everything."

"Everything?" Judas sighed, "I didn't say everything. I just meant this one thing, Arnold. Stay with me on this. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Right, you went round to his house. You were bored within an hour. You didn't want to watch a film, you didn't want to read a book and so, Mr Schmidt suggested you play with some finger paints."

In Rimmer's mind there was a glimmer of recollection, but it was not enough to accommodate any sort of real memory. Still, Judas ploughed on. He started to become distant and Rimmer found it hard to keep up.

"You painted so many pictures. Lot's of blues and greens and reds. So much fun. 'Why don't you paint a picture for mummy and daddy, Rimmer?' Fuck! You were so filthy afterwards. Covered head to toe in paint. Mr Schmidt said you looked like a Van Gogh. He ran you a bath. Arnold, do you remember?"

Rimmer sat up in his chair. Something was beginning to push it's way into his mind. Not quickly though. It was like pulling a heavy object out of quick sand.

"You bathed and then... And then... Jesus, why didn't I realise? Christ, Arnold, he…"

"STOP!" cried Rimmer,

"Remember Arnold!" Shouted Judas, "Remember! What did he do?"

Rimmer began to sob. An uncontrollable sob. Twenty-five years of denial suddenly blew apart in Rimmer's mind like a firework. The grief was so much that Rimmer fell off his chair and curled up into a ball. He held himself in his arms and rocked slowly. If he looked up he would have seen tears form in Judas' eyes.

"What did he do?" Judas repeated.

"He raped me!" Rimmer cried.

"And what did mummy and daddy do when you told them?"

"Nothing." Rimmer sobbed.

"That's right. Nothing. Their youngest child was assaulted and they didn't believe you."

Rimmer's sobs subsided and he crawled back into his seat.

"Why? Why are you telling me this?" Rimmer sighed

"Because you need to remember, Arnold." Judas said wiping tears from his eyes. "You need to remember how you felt then."

"Why?"

"Because I think Lister raped you on Floor 13."


	9. Hating

_Ext. Quick Stop. Day_

_Jay is busting some shapes in the church of dance. Tyler walks into frame _

_carrying a box of cigarettes and hands them to Jay._

Jay: Yo, it's about fucking time. It's like its bin like four months since I 

last saw you.

Tyler: Give over. It's been five minutes. There was a queue okay? Dante was 

whining about some slut girlfriend of his.

Jay: Yeah, he's got it bad.

_An attractive woman walks past._

Jay: (Shouting; to woman) Hey, pumpkin tits, youse ever been fucked by a guy who 

writes homosexual prose?

_Jay points to Tyler._

Woman: (OS) Screw you.

_Jay sniggers and digs Tyler in the ribs. Tyler is not impressed._

Jay: You're one filthy fucker, Bateman. Hey, cheer up you morose fucker. Don't 

forget it was youse that got yourself in this situation. If you hadn't got 

Silent Bob all riled up, that tubby bitch would be here instead of you!

Tyler: Me?! I got Bob riled up. Wigga, shut the smeg up! I was comfortable in 

Manchester. I was writing a fan fic. I've got a backlog of emails wondering 

where I am. 

_Through this whole speech, Jay has zoned out._

Tyler: Jay? Jay?! JAY!!!

Jay: Yo, youse say something?

Tyler: Fuck it.

Tyler walks off.

Jay: What in the hell was wrong with him? (To camera) Okay, here's his precious 

chapter he was gonna show you before he got all worked up. That skinny prick. 

(Shouts OS) Hey, Bateman! Wait up!

_Jay runs off in chase off Tyler_

Hating 

**RIMMER** - Why would he? Did he? Why can't I remember properly? So many questions. Want to, no, need to scream.

This is too much. First, being reminded about Schmidt, that sick bastard. Then, my parents' absolute apathy to my plight. Father struck me until I stopped crying. How dare I play up. Just because I wasn't getting the same kind of attention as my brothers. What an ungrateful shit I am. My mother was in the kitchen weeping. The beating maybe harsh, but I could have brought shame upon Mr Schmidt. He was a fine upstanding member of the church. How could my parents raise such a spiteful little boy?

Now, these ideas that Lister raped me. It couldn't have been like that. I smugly told Judas that I would have noticed. Judas laughed. It all made sense to him. Lister forces himself on me and I convince myself that I enjoyed it. Being in a cell, I couldn't escape. Couldn't push it to the back of my mind like I had Schmidt, so I have to react somehow and so I react with co-operation.

No, that's not how it was...

It was wonderful...

He...

It...

I can't remember! It's a blur. I should remember. I remember McGruder quite clearly, so why not Lister. Oh God, was it that horrific?

No, it wasn't. I'm sure. I'm sure. Sleep. Sleep is the answer. Everything looks better after a good sleep.

-//-

**LISTER** - I can't leave him crying, but...

How can he accuse me of that?! I know the answer though, don't I? Smegging Judas. Pouring poison into his mind.

Bastard.

The way Rimmer looked at me. I walked into the room after my shift on lookout. Ace had said that he had been acting strangely. I walked in and found him asleep. I crept under the bed sheets still fully clothed. I began to fondle his buttocks. I brought my left hand to the front and slipped my hand through the gap in his boxers.

"No." he murmured,

I began to stroke his penis and kiss his neck. I thought he was just playing. 

Honestly.

"No." he said again,

"Oh, come one. You know you want to." I purred,

"Get off me!" Rimmer screamed, leaping out of bed,

He stumbled to the corner of the room. As far away as he could from me. Great wet sobs escaped from his mouth. I asked him to tell me what the matter was. He said I knew. I took a step closer to him and he spilt it all. What he had remembered about his childhood, what that fuck Schmidt had done and, most importantly, what Judas had said to him. 

I pleaded with Rimmer. Surely he knew I couldn't do that to him. He sobbed again and said he didn't know what to think anymore. We stared at each other for what felt like hours. 

"Tell me, you don't believe Judas." I said

Rimmer fell onto the floor and began to hug himself. I walked out. It was all I could do not to yell at him for being so fucking stupid. 

But I'm not mad at him. I'm mad at Judas. He deliberately planted those ideas into Rimmer's head and me and him are gonna have a little chat. Liverpool style.

-//-

**JUDAS** - Ace, Rimmer and myself were abused as children. That much is true. Oh, look... Lister's here. Goody, goody. 


	10. My Gift to You

Author's note:

Int. A steep hill in a city. Day 

_A long road rolls down the hill. It's covered in a thick fog. Suddenly an overly large trolley bursts through the fog like a locomotive. The trolley contains several human occupants, whilst a few more are outside it. These include:_

_*Judas and Ace are at the back of the trolley. They're taking potshots to bitch slap each other._

_*John Noonan is also in the trolley trying the ignore the advances of JayVee. _

_*The Cat hangs onto the side staring daggers at Noonan._

_*Lister hangs onto the other side, laughing and smoking a cigarette._

_*Rimmer hangs on for dear life at the back of the trolley._

_*Kochanski and Shayne sit at the side of the road. Neither are the least bit amused._

_*At the front of the trolley, stands Tyler Bateman, slapping the side of the trolley as if it were a racing horse._

_Various explosions go off around them, spreading a whole mess of crap everywhere. Kryten runs after the trolley tidying up. Rimmer jumps off in a panic. The Cat falls off and drags Noonan over the edge with him. Lister climbs into the trolley to take Noonan's place and opens a can of beer._

_As the trolley rushes towards the camera, Tyler manages to shout out..._

Tyler: Hi, I'm Tyler Bateman and welcome back to F13: Hero.

_The trolley finally hits a curb and over turns. It's human contents is flung out and hits the side of Starbug._

_Fade to black._

Lister: (OS) Let's do that again.

****

**My Gift to You**

****

"_I watched you change into a fly,_

_ I looked away you were on fire,_

_ And I watched a change in you,_

_ It's like you never had wings,_

_ Now you feel alive,_

_ I've watched you change._"

**Change (in the House of Flies)** - Deftones

"Oh look… Lister's here. Goody, goody."

Lister drank in the scene laid out in front of him. He had stormed into Quarantine with intention of giving Judas a good kicking. He knew he would feel all his anger seep out of every pore as he stomped on Judas's head. Instead, he had found Judas out of his cell, smiling broadly whilst his younger doppelganger, Ace, aimed a gun directly at his forehead. Lister recognised the gun as being the one they had confiscated from Judas before his incarceration.

"What the smeg is going on here?" Lister cried,

"Ah, Skipper." Ace said staring intently at Judas, "Be a chap and shove off. Judas and I have some… unfinished business."

Judas let out his weasely laugh.

"Unfinished business?! Ha! Like it, Ace, like it."

Now that Lister's anger had subsided, it suddenly occurred to him that letting a sociopath, like Judas, out was a very, very bad idea. Almost as bad as calling Shayne by her first name.

"Look Ace, let's just pop Judas back into his cell and we can talk about it, yeah?"  Lister suggested.

"You don't get it, do you?" Ace coughed.

Lister brought his hands up as if in surrender.

"Ok mate. C'mon then tell me about it?"

Judas sighed. He had been stood with a gun to his head for about ten minutes and this new line of soul searching between Lister and Ace wasn't what he needed. As if sensing Judas's apathy, Ace threw him back into his cell.

"Oh, you dirty motherfucker!" Judas managed to shout as Ace shut the door. "We were about to have some fun."

After locking Judas away, Ace strode over to Lister and grabbed him by the shoulders, pulling him towards him until they were almost nose-to-nose.

"Look, I know what he told Rimmer." Ace said, all traces of his usual bravado long since gone. "I know, but for God's sake Lister, this isn't your fight. This is what Judas does. He pours poison into people's ears. He's an emotional vampire. Watching yours and Rimmer's relationship crumble would be like a four course meal to him. All he does is lie and kill. Yet, remember this, Schmidt was not a lie. He was a real pervert. He is the constant in mine, Judas and Rimmer's lives. Now that he's remembered, Rimmer will need you more then ever. Please Listy, leave this room and go back to him."

Lister exploded. How dare he be patronised? Especially by him. The original Rimmer.

"Oh fuck off, Arnold! What do you mean this isn't my fight? It's as much mine, as it's Rimmer's, as it's Cat and as it's fucking Kochanski's. What makes you so special?"

Ace lightened his grip on Lister.

"Judas has made it his life's mission to kill every generation of Ace he gets hold of. I'm next in line or hadn't you noticed, dick head! But more then this…"

"What?"

"He…"

"What, Ace? What Rimmer? What makes you so important?" Lister pushed Ace away from him.

"HE KILLED MY FUCKING WIFE, OK?!" Ace screamed.

Lister stopped breathing. He looked to his left to see Judas stalking back and forth in his cell. A wide grin tattooed o his face. Lister looked back at Ace… Rimmer… whoever. He was married. He used to have a wife. A Mrs Arnold Rimmer. Lister didn't know what to do. Should he hug Ace and offer him comfort? Or would Ace see that as unnecessary empathy?

"Ace…"

Ace wiped an angry tear from his eyes and held a hand up to silence Lister.

"Please, I don't want to talk about it. Please"

Lister wanted to talk. He had originally come here to defend his and Rimmer's honour, but now… Ace walked back over to the door to Judas's cell. He looked over at his old roommate and Lister was suddenly aware that someone was stood behind him. A beige plastic hand gripped his shoulder and Lister spun round to find Kryten looking at him with an intensity Lister had never seen on his face before.

"Mr Lister Sir, it's time you left." Kryten requested.

The mechanoid grabbed Lister's arm and forcefully, yet gently, escorted him out of the room. Lister pounded his fists against the window of the door. Kryten knew he was doing wrong, but Ace had explained everything and he knew he had to help. He smashed his fist into the keypad on the wall. With it broken on this side, there would be no way Mr Lister could get back in.

On the other side, Lister was furiously tapping in numbers into the keypad. 2704. 5646. 1981. Each time he was met by the buzz that signalled an error code.

"Holly, what's going on?" Lister cried, "Open this door."

Holly's face appeared on the monitor above the door. He looked somewhat remorseful.

"I'm afraid I can't do that Dave. Kryten has overridden the lock."

"C'mon! Open the smegging door!"

Lister continued to pound his fist against the door. All in some vein effort to break it down. He could feel the skin breaking on his knuckles, but he didn't care. Something was going on and he was desperate to know what.

Back inside, Kryten had joined Ace by his side as Judas walked out his cell.

"So, is this it?" Judas asked. "After three months inside that piss hole and this is the best you've come up with to get rid of me. Ace Rimmer, a man ten years my junior, and a 3 million year old toilet brush parading as a ship's medic?"

Judas tensed his shoulders back until they clicked. He removed his jacket and folded it neatly over the back of a chair. These motions almost threw Ace and Kryten off. It was the equivalent of Caesar taking a piss up a wall just as Brutus was about to stab him. Finally, Judas walked right up to them and smiled.

"Let's do it." He laughed.

Ace and Kryten stormed forward and the fists began to fly. Chairs and files were thrown and computers broken. Despite the fact he was up against two other people, Judas was putting up a hell of a fight. In fact, at one point he managed to take off three of Kryten's fingers with his teeth. As Kryten nursed his wounds, Ace reached for the gun in his pocket. That _was _in his pocket. There was an audible cock of a gun and Ace began to wonder when it was exactly Judas managed to pick his pocket. However, he didn't wonder for long because Judas pulled the trigger and Ace took the full force of the blast in his chest.  His chest burst open and the familiar green light of a damaged hologram poured out giving the room an eerish tint.

Through the small window of the door, Lister watched. Tears were pouring down his face and blood dripped down his knuckles.

"Jesus! Holly, the fucking door!" he cried. "Override the lock."

"I'm sorry, Dave." Holly said. "I really am. My orders have been given. No one is to enter or leave. Sorry." 

Lister slammed his fist into the fire alarm near him. If Holly wouldn't help, surely someone else would.

Back inside, the pain of being ripped open was beginning to get to Ace. So much so, he failed to realise that the fire alarm was ringing. He stumbled around the room, trying to maintain his composure. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Judas tearing Kryten's arm off and beating the sanitation droid around the head with it. Under any other circumstances, Ace would find this somewhat perversely funny. However, under these circumstances…

"Kryten!" Ace shouted.

"Yes sir!"

"I think we only have one option left."

Judas now had Kryten in a headlock, but despite this Kryten was trying to nod.

"I quite agree. It's been a pleasure, sir."

"Same to you."

"Oh and sir?"

"Yes." Ace gasped, now struggling for life.

"You're a Smeeee." Kryten laughed. "You're a Smeeeeeeeeeeeeeg Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeead." 

Ace coughed up a laugh.  Judas let go of Kryten and walked up to Ace. His victim's laughing whilst he was murdering them, was not something he appreciated.

"What the fuck is going on?" he shouted.

Ace spat in his face and his smile grew bigger.

"Let him have it Holly." Ace cried.

The air lock flew open. With Judas's craft having long been detached from Starbug, the contents of the room was starting to get sucked out into the dark reaches of space. That included Judas, Ace and Kryten.

Lister watched through his pathetic little window and watched as his friends and Judas disappear into the darkness of space. 

"No! Oh Jesus no." Lister cried.

He couldn't be sure, but he could have sworn he saw a small explosion in the distance. If he was right, then Kryten had set his self-destruct mechanism. He fell to his knees and wept. As he did Cat, Shayne and Kochanski came bounding down the corridor.

"What's going on bud?" Cat said.

"Lister? Lister! Why are you crying?" Kochanski said kneeling next to Lister and putting her arm around him.

"He's dead. They're dead." Lister sobbed.

Shayne looked through the window of the door and let out a huge sigh.

"Fucking hell." she whispered. "What happened here?"

Lister tried his best to explain. As he did, Rimmer and JayVee joined them. Lister stopped his story mid way and held out his arms for Rimmer. Rimmer knelt down and hugged Lister with all his worth. He kissed Lister all over his face.

"I'm sorry." Rimmer cried.

Holly watched the group and decided that he was not the person Dave wanted to see right now. However, he would do soon. There was an awful lot of explaining to do. 


	11. Reclaim My Place

Author's Note: I'm going to see Limp Bizkit in September. Nothing more needs to be said. 

**Reclaim My Place**

"_Too alarming now to talk about,_

_ Take your pictures down,_

_ And shake it out,_

_ Truth or consequence,_

_ Say it out loud,_

_ Use that evidence,_

_ Race it around,_

_ There goes my hero_

_ Watch him as he goes,_

_ There goes my hero,_

_ He's ordinary_"

**Hero** - Foo Fighters

"_Things have never been so swell,_

_ And I have never been so well_"

**You Know You're Right** - Nirvana

Five minutes after everyone had made sure the airlock doors of Quarantine were shut, they made their weary way to the kitchen. To say the air was sombre, would be to say the sky can be found in a sort of upward direction. No one had any idea of what to say. After sitting down, Shayne took out a cigarette and offered the rest of the pack round. Only Lister, Rimmer and, surprisingly, Kochanski accepted. Shayne was going to say something, but merely shrugged. She had been keeping a pack of regular cigarettes in an empty pack of herbal. Kochanski hated her smoking. Especially non-herbal. Shayne deduced that Kochanski wouldn't say anything... Not under these circumstances.

Kochanski hadn't smoked since she was 18 and it showed. She clumsily pawed at Shayne's Zippo and once she got it to light, she nearly lit the filter butt. No one was asking why she was smoking, but if they had, Kochanski would have told them. She needed, _wanted_ to smoke. She wanted to feel the weight of the smoke as it swam through her lungs, the guilt she would feel after smoking the cigarette and then the ambiguous scent of nicotine on her fingers. The scent that was both intoxicating  and repulsive. Kochanski had to have all this, just... Just so she didn't have to think about the fact that another member of their crew had died. She inhaled deeply and this developed into a huge coughing fit. Kochanski was thankful for this distraction as well.

Rimmer was enjoying his cigarette more than Kochanski. Despite his pretension to Lister that suggested other wise, Rimmer did enjoy the occasional cigarette. He held the cigarette in his right hand and gripped tight to Lister's thigh with his left. He had no idea what to say. First he had accused Lister of rape and then Lister had gone onto watch two of his closest friends die. What can you actually say that?

Lister held his cigarette limply in his hand. All he could hear, taste and smell was death.

After twenty minutes or so, the monitor in the kitchen lit up to reveal Holly's face. He took one look around the room and gave the best smile he could muster. 

"Alright dudes?" He asked. "No... No. Silly question, yeah?"

Holly turned to to look at Lister. Lister looked over the dark bags of his eyes and locked eyes with Holly. If Holly was human, he would have swallowed like they did in the cartoons. He wasn't, but he did anyway.

"Look, Lister, I'll bugger off, but before I do... Ace, well, Ace wanted me to show you this."

Holly's face faded out and was replaced by the visage of Ace Rimmer. The video appeared to have been filmed in the cockpit of Wildfire, Ace's ship. He looked into the camera and gave a big broad smile. JayVee could feel her bottom lip quiver. Sensing this, the Cat put a supportive arm around his girlfriend.

"Hello there." Ace started. "Well, to coin a cliché, if you're watching this then I'm afraid I'm probably dead. So, is Judas. Hopefully, Kryten is still with you, but if not, then I'm deeply sorry. Well, first things first, I may as well end this pretence."

On screen, Ace removed his wig to reveal the brown curly associated with nearly every Rimmer in the world. There were a few gasps and murmurs from the group. Lister could have openly weeped. If he was right, he knew Ace was about to confess who he really was.

"What the hell?" The Cat cried, "Why's he wearing that wig? Furthermore, what's he want to take it off for? He look's like that smeghead Rimmer."

Rimmer glanced at Cat.

"Um, the old one. The one we used to live with." The Cat corrected himself.

Everyone turned their attention back to the screen.

"Well, if I've guessed correctly, the Cat has jumped up and is probably meowing about how I look like that 'smeghead Rimmer'. Well, my little, should have been tied up in a burlap sack and dropped in a river at birth, feline friend... I _am_ that smeghead Rimmer."

Ace smiled proudly until his nostrils flared. He then went onto describe the events on board Star Bug before Kochanski came along. The day a dying hologram of Ace Rimmer had asked a pretensious, cowardly Arnold Judas Rimmer to take control of the Ace legend.

"The only person who truly knew who I was was Lister." Ace continued. "When Judas came aboard, I decided to inform Holly and Kryten. Cat, I'm sorry you were left out of the loop, but I didn't want you to be part of the plan. You have too much to live for. You have JayVee."

The Cat squeezed JayVee closer to him. JayVee began to cry. Knowing what the plan was and how it had turned out, she couldn't imagine continuing life without the Cat. The thought was just unbearable.

"Lister, I hope you can forgive me. After all that bullshit about keeping Judas in prison until we could think of something... The minute he came aboard this ship, I knew that he would have to die by my hands. After what he did to me... To Sarah..."

The group threw looks at each other. Everyone of them was wondering who this Sarah was. Lister sighed. He knew exactly who Sarah was. Ace's wife. A woman Lister had never met and who had been killed by Judas. The fact that Ace hadn't gone into further detail in the video meant that he hadn't really wanted anyone to truly know who Sarah was. As such, Lister decided that he wouldn't share his knowledge with the rest of the gang. Afterall, when the video finished, he'd have to explain why he hadn't told anyone about Ace's true identity.

"Not wanting to worry you all, I decided that the best people to talk to were Holly and Kryten. Y'know, Kryten is a lot braver then I ever gave him credit for. I guess being Ace for so many years makes you see things in a different light. We have decided that we are going to simply take Judas out. A little '_Pulp Fiction_', but it should work. If not, then we do have plan B, but hopefully, we won't have to resort to that."

Lister closed his eyes and visions of plan B ran through his mind. Flashes of Kryten and Ace being sucked out into space. Images that would stay with him forever. 

"Well, before I go, I just want to say goodbye. Lister, I can't say it's been a pleasure being your room mat, but I want to thank you for everything you've done. If you hadn't encouraged me to become Ace, I would never have discovered the real me. Oh, and for the love of God, get rid of that silly pigtail. 

"Cat, I've noticed a welcome change in you. You've matured. I'm just sorry I've not been able to appreciate it for long. Now, you look after JayVee. She's a lovely lady. Good stock. Child bearing hips as well.

"Shayne and JayVee, it was a pleasure to meet you. All the best to you. Finally, Ms. Kochanski... So, you're a lesbian, eh? Well, that explains why you went out with Lister. I know you were from a separate reality from myself, but if things were only different from the point when you went into stasis, then can I take the opportunity to apologise for all those times I bothered you about the Rimmer salute. You can't blame a guy for trying can you? Well... that's it. Take care to all of you."

Ace gave the full Rimmer salute and signed off. At once every person in the kitchen stood up and mirrored the salute. Shayne completely messed it up and nearly knocked herself. The accident was a welcome comic relief and everyone was able to giggle. Even Lister managed to raise a smile. The rest of night was spent with Lister recalling the tale of how he had pretended he was a hologrammatic knight in order to give Rimmer the courage to become Ace. The Cat seemed to adapt to the fact that he had been kept out of the loop quite well. However, he did demand that should anyone else in the group pretend to die then could they at least warn him in advance. They then spent a good four hours drinking hard.

"Holly!" Lister slurred after his tenth pint.

Sheepishly, Holy appeared on the monitor.

"Yes, Dave?" he murmured.

Lister held up his half filled pint glass and smiled.

"This one's for you, you smeg head. No hard feelings, eh?"

"Thanks, Dave." Holly smiled.

Soon, everyone retired to bed. Questions still hung in the air. Why had Kryten sacrificed himself to help Ace? What was the full story behind Ace and Sarah? And what in the Smeg were they gonna do about Wildfire?  In Rimmer and Lister's room, these questions gave way to kissing and soon, they were making love for the first time in months. When Lister had fallen into a post-coitus sleep, Rimmer snuck out of bed. Something had been bugging him and he knew what he had to do.

-//-

The next morning everyone, except Rimmer, was gathered around the breakfast table enjoying a hearty breakfast. It had been decided that today they would hold a funeral in memory of Kryten and Ace. Lister smiled. For some reason he felt relieved. Everything that had happened with Judas had helped him realise how much he loved Rimmer. In fact, it was safe to say that he loved Rimmer more then he had ever doe before. Lister looked over at the other to couples of Star Bug. They, too, looked like they had rediscovered each other. Death had a weird way of doing that. You don't know what you've got till it's gone, so while it's still there make the most of it. That's how Lister was looking at it.

As Lister lit up a cigarette, he heard Kochanski gasp. Thinking that she'd burnt her mouth on her coffee, he looked up and made to say something sarcastic. His smile sank quickly when he noticed the figure stood near the stairs. 

"Ace!" Lister cried.

Lister stumbled out of his seat and ran towards Ace. He threw his arms around him and squeezed hard. As he hugged, Lister realised that something was wrong. Ace wasn't hugging him back. He pulled back and looked Ace in the eyes. At once he knew.

"Rimmer!"

"H-hello, S-skipper." Rimmer stuttered.

Lister nearly fell backwards onto JayVee. 

"What are you doing, Rimmer?" Shayne frowned.

"Isn't it obvious?" Rimmer said sweeping his hands across the gold flight jacket he was wearing.

"Time out! Time out!" Lister said, "Rimmer, don't do this. You can't."

"Listy, I have to."

Holly, Shayne, Kochanski, Cat and JayVee decided to keep out of this. Rimmer had got it into his head that he was going to be Ace. They each had their own opinions about the situation, but they were nothing compared to Lister's. His were the only ones that mattered. Lister took a deep drag on his cigarette.

"Bullshit!" Lister shouted. "No you don't!"

"Lister, I can't let your friend die and not take his place. He did it and another Rimmer did it before him. It's my destiny..."

Lister threw down his cigarette and launched into Rimmer. He threw punches at Rimmer's chest. Rimmer took the brunt of them as he tried to wrap his arms around Lister. He succeeded and cradled a weeping Lister.

"But what about the training?" Kochanski asked, "I thought you had to go through a rigorous training pattern before you became Ace."

"Mind patch." Rimmer said tapping his head. "I found them on Wildfire. In case of emergencies. I know everything that has happened to every Ace since the first incarnation. Training comes as standard. I need to do this. Since Ace arrived, I've been trying to work out my place in life. I never felt I was truly Arnold Rimmer. I was just a  photocopy. I'm so sorry, Lister, but becoming Ace just seems to be the right thing to do."

Lister looked up into Rimmer's eyes. He began to speak. As he did so it felt like he was trying to give birth to the words.

"Then go. Just please don't forget me."

"As if I would." Rimmer smiled. "I've been trying to scrub your smell off me for ages, but to no success."

Lister pulled away and laughed. Then, he began to kiss Rimmer passionately. At that moment in time, they were the only people in the room, in Star Bug, in the Universe.

-//- 

The funeral service turned out to be more of a wake then anything else. The last of the alcohol was drunk and the afternoon was spent singing various songs. Most of them made up and a lot of them including references to penises, breasts and rude words. Only Rimmer didn't drink. He was sure that Wildfire's computer would be OK to fly, but he didn't want to take the risk of commandeering a ship by himself. Especially when pissed.

As the afternoon blended into the evening, Rimmer decided it was time to go. Everyone walked solemnly down to the landing bay. Once there, Rimmer hugged and kissed everyone. In the case of Lister, he did so several times. As he was about to climb aboard, he  turned to his old gang.

"Oh, yes!" He beamed. "I meant to give you this."

Rimmer pulled a mini-disc out of his pocket and threw it to Lister.

"What is it?" The Cat asked.

"It's engineering calculations. I think Ace was going to give it to you before he left. If a computer with an IQ of, say, 6000 was to analyse them they would find the theory for a Dimension Jump drive."

"You what?" Holly said. "Where are we going to find a super computer round here?"

"I was thinking that you'd be able to look at them." Rimmer sighed.

"I'll give it go, but I can't promise anything. I'm still trying to work out the ending to '_Fight Club_'. I mean, they were same person, right? Then how was he able to have sex with Marla and still go shopping. What about that bit when he shot himself? I mean, surely..."

"Holly!" Shayne shouted.

"Sorry."

Rimmer climbed into the cockpit of Wildfire and sighed.

"Well, this is it. Um, smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast!" Rimmer paused. "You know, I think Ace is going to stop saying that phrase soon."

And with a final shout of goodbyes, the newly knighted Ace departed from Star Bug 1.

The rest of the gang gathered round Lister and hugged him. Lister pushed them away.

"Oh, fuck off with the group hugs. This isn't '_Friends_'." he beamed.

-//-

"Okay!" Kochanski said. "Are we ready?"

It had taken a month for Holly to analyse the data given to him, but he did crack it. It was then another month as they went about salvaging the parts they needed and another was used up in order to put the thing together. Once it was done, Star Bug 1 was then capable of jumping dimensions. On the 27th April HMT (Holly Mean Time), a crew made up of felons and felines gathered in the bridge on Star Bug and braced themselves as Kochanski pushed a buttons and started her up.

"Where are going to go?" JayVee asked. 

"I haven't got the foggiest." Kochanski replied. "Hopefully, a  universe where Hollister isn't trying to catch up with us."

Everyone shuddered. The fat bastard captain of Red Dwarf had promised he would catch up with them and they all worried about the day when he did.

"Well, then, let's just hope they've got curry." Lister chirped.

"Yes, and let's hope your farts don't smell either." The Cat said.

Suddenly, Star Bug began to rattle and shake. There was a blinding flash of light and then everything returned to normal. Lister picked himself off the floor.

"What the smeg happened there?" 

"Oops, sorry." Holly replied. "I got so bored of waiting for you lot to stop yakking I just kicked her into gear. I wasn't expecting it to be that quick."

"Cheers, Holly. I nearly broke me friggin' leg." Lister said sternly.

"Um, guys." Shayne interrupted.

"What?"

Shayne pointed out of the window everyone else was looking out of. In front of Star Bug was a colossal ship. It was about five miles long and red. Really red. Really, _really_ red. Remnants of asteroids were embedded in the hull of the ship.

"Christ, it's  Red Dwarf." someone said.

"We're being hailed by them." Holly said.

Lister looked at everyone and shrugged. "Punch it up."

On the visi-screen next to Holly appeared the face of a peroxide blonde female. Her face was a deathly white. The only colour in her entire face was her fire engine red lipstick. 

"This is the JMC Red Dwarf." She said. "You have been identified as being Star Bug 1. Bit of a problem as we already have one. Please state your name."

"Gordon Bennett!" Holly cried, "It's me!"

"Eh?" the female Holly said. "Gordon Bennett? Your parents loved you, didn't they!"

Lister stepped up to the screen.

"Alright... Hol?"

If she could have been capable of it, the female Holly would have taken a step back.

"Dave?!"

"Hiya, Hol. Permission to come on board."

"Bloody Hell! Right, well, go to landing bay 5. I'll let the others know you're here."

As Star Bug went in to dock, everyone began to feel a bit tense. Especially Shayne and JayVee. They couldn't understand why the Holly in this universe was female. Once they had landed they all gathered to the exit and opened the door. A flight of steps had been placed in front of the exit. At the bottom, two people stood staring open mouthed at their new guests. One was a mechanoid and the other was a hologram of Red Dwarf's Second Technician. Lister's face cracked open into an enormous smile.

"Rimmer! You Smeg head, come here!"

Lister bounded down the stairs and made to jump on Rimmer. Rimmer threw his arms up to protect himself as Lister passed ungracefully right through his body. When they rest of the group reached the bottom of the steps, the mechanoid was bent over a flat out Lister and checking his pulse.

"He's unconscious, Mr Rimmer Sir." he said.

"Thank you Kryten." Rimmer said.

He turned to face the rest of the group.

"Right, well it's quite clear that certain things need explaining, but before that, can I just say that we surrender. Sorry for knocking out your friend there. Is there any chance you could overlook that and let us live. In fact, if you wanted to have sex with me, then I'd be more then willing to accommodate, sir."

Rimmer pointed to the member of the group on the far left.

"Sir?!" Shayne shouted. "I'll fucking give you 'sir'."

Rimmer pelted out of landing bay followed by a steaming Shayne. JayVee watched them disappear and then turned to Kochanski.

"Seriously though," she asked "What's going on?" 

Kryten's beige, plastic face smiled. "Anyone for tea and biscuits?"


	12. All Mediocre Things

_Int. Office. Day_

_We're in the office of a hospital. A mental institute if you will. MCU of Dr Noonan. He talks to people off screen._

Noonan: He's a monster. Do not pass him anything. If he writes anything, do not accept it. A nurse told him about a new sitcom on Channel 4... In half an hour, he'd written this.

_Noonan hands a wad of papers to someone OS._

Noonan: His pulse never went over 85. Even when he wrote the Deus Ex Machina.

_We now face Noonan's guests. Scavenger and Nightshade. Scavenger reads the paper whilst Nightshade fiddles with her badge._

Scavenger: Let's do it.

Int. A long dark corridor. 

_Scavenger and Nightshade walk down the corridor past various cells. Each holding a different person. Mark 'Chopper' Read, Rick Derris, Smeagol, etc. When they reach the final cell, they stop. In the middle of the cell stands Tyler Patrick Bateman Esq. Nightshade and Scavenger sit on the chairs in front of the cell._

Scavenger: Mr Bateman? I'm Lauren Scavenger and this is Dervla Nightshade.

Bateman: You're RDSS people aren't you? I must be very important if I am to receive a visit from the list mummies.

Nightshade: We're here to ask you something.

Bateman: Continue...

Scavenger: Why would someone write a sequel to  something that wasn't their own work?

Bateman: Is that you want from life, Ms. Scavenger? Pathetic attempts to question me about F13: Hero? I remember when someone questioned me about In Tyler We Trusted, I ate his liver with a nice BBK.

Nightshade: Really?

Bateman: No, but it sounds good. I heard it in a movie. I mean, I'm just trying it on...

Nightshade: Look, Mr Bateman, we just want to know the reason? Why? Why use something that isn't yours? Shayne? JayVee? Why?

Bateman: Oh, I'll answer those questions, but only...

Scavenger: Only...

Bateman: Only if I can do it through experimental dance.

_Bateman begins to prance around the room like a dickhead on E._

_Nightshade jumps off her chair and storms off._

Nightshade: Fuck this.

_Bateman continues._

Scavenger: Jesus! Bateman, we ask you for one little thing. A little sense of drama and you give us this shit.

_Bateman stops._

Scavenger: Christ, you're weird.

Bateman: Flay away, Ms. Scavenger. Fly away. Fly, fly, fly...

_Bateman disappears into the shadows of the cell. Scavenger shakes her head and runs after Nightshade._

**All Mediocre Things...**

"_I remember when I left,_

_Without bothering to pack,_

_You know I up and left with,_

_Just the clothes I had on my back,_

_Now I'm sorry for what I've done,_

_And I'm out here on my own,_

_Well, it was the train that took me away from here_

_But a train can't bring me home._"

**Train Song** - Tom Waites

"_'Oh, what a piece of work is man, how noble...' Ah, fuck it! Let's have a drink and forget the whole goddamned thing._"

Bart Newberry - **Grosse Pointe Blank**

"_Some people can read War and Peace and come away thinking it's a simple adventure story. Others can read the ingredients on a chewing gum wrapper and unlock the secrets of the universe._" 

Lex Luthor - **Superman**

When Lister awoke he found to his surprise that he was in his old bunk bed, in his old quarters on board Red Dwarf. There were his favourite T-shirts hanging on his locker door, on the coffee table were Lennon and McCartney swimming in their tank and all over Lister's bunk were photos of Jim Bexley Speed. A couple of hazy seconds later and Lister remembered why he was here. They'd dimension jumped, hadn't they?

"Holly?" Lister cried jumping out of his bunk.

The mirror above the sink lit up to reveal two faces. One, a balding male and the other, a blonde woman.

"Alright, Dave?" they both said.

The Holly's took one look at each other and burst out laughing.

"Cor blimey!" the male Holly said, "We've been doing that for the past few minutes."

"Ha, well, that'll probably be down to the fact that you are the same person." Lister said.

"I know, but what are the chances?" the female Holly said.

"Look, where is everyone, Hol?"

"Oh, well, they're all in Dining Hall 12." Both the Hollys replied.

Lister was out of the door and racing down the corridors faster then you can say Gelf.

When he reached Dining Hall 12, Lister peaked his head around the entrance. As he did, he took a slight step back. Everything looked exactly like it did before Judas ever arrived. Nearly everyone was sat around a long dining table. Shayne and Kochanski were holding hands and the Cat was eating fish whilst JayVee watched in slight disgust. Most importantly though was that Rimmer and Kryten were there. Kryten was helping a group of Skutters serve food and Rimmer was goose-stepping up and down the room. Lister finally registered the silvery H on Rimmer's forehead and the look of disgust on his face whenever a Skutter should accidentally wheel through him. This was the old Rimmer. A mere shadow of the man Lister had fallen in love with. With a heavy heart and an even heavier sigh, Lister stepped into the dining room. 

"Hey Bud! You're awake!" The Cat shouted.

Rimmer spun around and marched up to Lister. Lister was slightly taken a back by the fact that as Rimmer began to talk he was prodding his index finger through Lister's chest. How many years had it been since Lister had been on board a hologrammtic Rimmer?

"Right, Mi'laddo." Rimmer snorted, "You want to explain where you getting off throwing yourself through me! For God's sake Lister..."

"You... You know who I am?" Lister asked.

"Let's seeeeeeeeeeeee..." Rimmer replied, "Hamster cheeks, indescribable smell, a body that wouldn't look out of place in a Wes Craven flick... Yes, Listy, it's hard to mistake you for anyone else. Except maybe a fat bastard Chippendale. What the smeg is that pony tail about?"

"But..."

"Don't sound too surprised, Mr Lister Sir." Kryten interrupted, "Your friends have explained the situation. The Dimension Jump Drive, right?"

Lister sat down at the table and helped himself to a sausage roll from a plate passed to him by a Skutter. 

"Yeah.... Yeah, that's right." Lister smiled. "So, what about you two? What's your story?"

Kryten dismissed the Skutters and sat down at the table as well. Rimmer stood behind the sanitation 'droid, arms crossed and a look of contempt on his face.

"Well, we have been waiting for you to wake up, sir." Kryten said. "Everyone has been most patient."

"Yeah," The Cat replied, "We don't know shit and you're taking beauty sleeps."

"Mr Cat, if you'll allow me..."

Kryten then began to tell the tale of this new dimension. Everything seemed to be exactly the same. Lister went into Stasis, woke up 3 million years later and met Rimmer's hologram and the Cat.  The differences started a year later. The boyz had found themselves in a parallel universe where they met their female counterparts. Lister had slept with his and fallen pregnant. 6 months later they found Kryten's remains hanging off an asteroid. While heavily pregnant, Lister rebuilt Kryten. 3 months later, Lister died giving birth to his twin boys, Jim and Bexley.

"There were complications..." Rimmer said. "We tried..."

"I understand." Lister replied.

Kryten continued. The babies began to age at astonishing rate. They repaired the Holly Hop drive and took the boys back to their mother, Debbie Lister. The Cat had been a surrogate father to the boys and stayed in the alternate universe.

"In return for losing another crew member, we gained another." Kryten said.

"Who?" Kochanski asked.

"Me! That's who!" 

The entire table turned to face a woman dressed in exactly the same clothes as Rimmer. In fact, everything about her reminded Lister of Rimmer. 

"Arlene?!" The Cat and Lister said.

"Arlene here, couldn't face the prospect of sharing a ship with two children." Rimmer said.

"Holly and myself constructed a device that meant Red Dwarf could maintain two holograms." Kryten said.

"Most definitely. Why spend an eternity with Debbie and her brats when I could spend it with Arnie here."

Arlene patted Rimmer on the bottom.

"Have you been at the holo-gin again, Arlene?" Rimmer shuddered,

"Maybe I have, Maybe I haven't." Arlene slurred. "Why does it turn you on?"

Rimmer sighed and walked through the table to where the Cat and JayVee were sat.

"Mr Rimmer and Ms. Rimmer have a most peculiar relationship." Kryten whispered to Lister, "Mr Rimmer spends all day running from her, but by tonight... Well, let's put it this way, I am very curious to see if holograms can get pregnant."

Lister guffawed.  Rimmer's nostrils flared and pointed an accusatory finger at Kryten.

"You wait, Rubix Cube Head." Rimmer shouted. "The minute I find a way to touch things, I'm going to carve my name into your back with a bazookoid." 

The rest of the evening went by without any more threats of violence. Everyone got along and soon it was as if they'd all known each other for years. _And in some way_, Lister thought, _I guess we do_. At around half three, people began to disappear to bed. Lister stayed in the dining room and, despite insistence by Kryten, asked to be left alone.

_This world isn't mine_, he thought, _Yet, I feel so at home here. The whole point of patching the Dimension Jump drive into Star Bug was so we could escape Red Dwarf and try and live a normal life. What if this is normal? What if Red Dwarf is my home? Look at all the pros... We won't have to scavenge anymore. The Dwarf is full of food to feed over 1000 crew mates. By the sounds of it, there's not been a true human being on board for about a year or so. There's loads of food. Could be a good thing to... If the look JayVee was giving Cat was anything to go by, we could have some little nipple biters running around. The cons... The cons are that Rimmer isn't here. I mean, he is here... But he's not truly here. He's Ace now. Maybe... Maybe, if we stay here there's more chance of Ace landing here. Hope springs eternal, eh?_

Lister lit another cigarette and made his way back to his old quarters. Tomorrow, as the cliché goes, was another day. Lister had done a lot of running for about two years now. Maybe it was time to stop. Maybe it was time to settle down. Maybe he'll meet someone else.

Maybe...

Maybe...

Hell, the universe was full of possibilities. Why not? That night, Lister slept better then he had ever done in 8 years.

**THE END**

Thanks go out to Scavenger and Doe. Scavenger you're a star for letting me do this to your work. You ever feel like fucking with In Tyler we Trusted, it's yours. Doe, Sorry I stopped sending stuff to you. What can I say? I can be a bit of an arse sometimes.

8 reasons why this story is truly wrong

•     Shayne's accent has disappeared.

•     Kochanski got shoved to the back of the plot.

•     As did the Cat.

•     For a SLASH, there is surprisingly little sex.

•     At the time of putting this last chapter up, it's only been reviewed once on ff.net.

•     There's no action. It's all talking.

•     Is the Bloodhound Gang really an appropriate band to start off a chapter to an angst fic.

•     How many times do I use the word 'fuck'?

Ideas that weren't used

•     JayVee and Ace were going to get it on. I did write the chapter, scrapped it. It is available in it's un-spellchecked, unoriginal, very shit format at tylerbatemanesq@yahoo.co.uk

•     Ace's lightbee was to be recovered and despatched in Wildfire. Thus, it would be found by the crew in Floor 13 prt 2. Y'see... C'mon! That's clever stuff!

•     Shayne was going to start have feelings for Judas and then the story was going to mainly focus on Kochanski and Shayne.

•     Lister was going to have sex with Judas.

•     Judas was going to rape Rimmer.

Major influences whilst writing this story

•     Coffee - God bless Nescafe

•     Tom Waites - If you haven't heard the album 'Rain Dogs', you haven't lived

•     Seeing Limp Bizkit live in concert - Any one who was in the Manchester Apollo on 4th September, you missed your only chance to see me.

•     Red Dwarf season 2 - It's all I've been watching.

•     Lauren Scavenger - Bless her! She advertised my story on her site. Aaaaaw!

•     Family Guy - Victory is mine!

•     Hunter S. Thompson - Fear and Loathing on the Fan Fic trail '03.

•     Doe - Some proper criticism really got my arse in gear.

•     RDSS - You guuuuuuuuuuuuys!

•     Jackass: the movie - Hi I'm Tyler Bateman and you've been reading Floor 13: Hero.

•     Chad Kroger - As much as I hate him, if 'Hero' hadn't been on when I was reading the first Floor 13, then this story would never have happened.

•     Chris Morris - For giving me an idea of who to base Judas on.

•     Slipknot, Deftones and all the other bands I've been listening to.

•     My ex - If I hadn't of spoken to you that time at my house, well, I wouldn't nearly be in touch with my emotions as I am now

Now, all of you, get the fuck outta here!


End file.
